Doctors Are Sharing Their Stupidest And Funniest Patient Stories, And Its Hilarious

Nobody really likes going to the doctors do they? I mean, that antiseptic smell, the silence of the waiting room except for the odd groan and sniffle, and don’t get me started on those magazines.

However as far as the potential for awkward situations go, going to the doc’s can be comedy gold. From hilariously misinformed (read: dumb) patients, to doctors with a wickedly dry sense of humour, we at Bored Panda have compiled a list of occasions when doctor/patient interactions were just too funny.

Scroll down to check them out below, and don’t forget to vote for your favorite!

As I leaned in to check her eyes, my older patient got a little frisky.
“You remind me of my third husband,” she said coyly.
“Third husband?” I asked. “How many have you had?”

“Here,” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen container. “The bathroom’s over there.” A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.
“Thanks,” he says, returning the empty container. “But there was a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”

My patient announced she had good news … and bad. “The medicine for my earache worked,” she said.
“What’s the bad news?” I asked.
“It tasted awful.”
Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her they’re called eardrops for a reason.

When I went to the ER to have a painful ingrown toenail removed, I was sobbing, gagging, petrified … the works. But my doctor knew how to calm me down.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” he assured me. “I just looked up how to perform this operation on YouTube.”

Scene: The operating room. I’m reviewing the surgical checklist with the nurses.
Me: We have the surgical equipment, the heart-lung machine, antibiotics, and the replacement heart valve on hand.
Patient: You wait until now to figure this stuff out?

Patient: Doctor, I slipped in the grocery store and really hurt myself.
Me: Where did you get hurt?
Patient: Aisle six.

I gave my patient the results of her sleep study: “It looks like you stopped breathing in your sleep over 65 times per hour.”
Her response: “Did I start back?”

During surgery, my fellow resident bumped heads with the surgeon.
“Ah, Dr Jones, a meeting of the minds,” he said, laughing it off.
The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And I felt so alone.”

I was coming to just as my doctor was finishing my colonoscopy. Feeling some pressure “back there”, I reached down and patted the doctor on the head.
“It’s OK, Yehudi,” I said. “Just go back to sleep.”
Yehudi is the name of my dog.

The day after I had surgery on my leg, a nurse came into my hospital room with a box in her hand. “Are you ready for this?”
“What is it?” I asked.
“Fleet enema. Didn’t your doctor tell you about it?”
She rechecked the orders. “Whoa! It said feet elevated!”

I took my puppy to the vet bc she had these weird bumps on her belly. As I was waiting in the exam room I suddenly realized they were her nipples. When the vet came in I sheepishly told him that I am a complete idiot. He was awesome. He said, “Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to open this door and you’re just going to walk out. Don’t stop at the front desk to check out or pay, just keep walking.”. In my defense…no. There’s no defense.

My husband’s new “unbreakable†titanium eyeglasses broke. When he brought the many pieces back to the optometrist to have the glasses replaced, the assistant asked what had happened.
“They fell under the lawn mower,†he explained.
“Oh,†she said, nodding. “Were you wearing them at the time?â€

A gentleman calls our office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for, and we talk at length about the procedure.
Patient: I’m sorry to have so many questions.
Me: Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.
Patient: Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very helpful.

Call it … carma! A car belonging to a pregnant patient was broken into. The only thing that was stolen was a wine bottle in a brown paper bag. It turns out, that’s where she was keeping her urine sample, which she’d brought in to be tested.

The doctor explained to his patient that she suffered from inflammation of the cervix. Concerned, she demanded that he test her husband for it too.
The doctor assured her, “I’m positive your husband does not have cervicitis.â€
She shot back, “How do you know? You haven’t examined him yet.â€

I had an 8 year old kid in the OR say “You mother fu*kers!” right before she fell asleep.

I’m an anesthesia student currently doing my clinical rotations and I had an old guy wake up and the first thing he asked was “do I still have my balls?” and I told him “yep, both of them” and he said “both? Aw you guys are great”

I once had a patient tell me he needed his decapitation medicine because he was feeling full of shit. I had to think about it for a minute then I realized he was asking for his constipation medication.

“I have the Ebola”. “Sir, you actually had a heart attack.” “Because of the Ebola”

Emergency surgeon here
Got called 2 a.m. because a patient demanded to see me because “her daughters farts smelled too bad”
Kept a straight face.

My mom’s an ER nurse and she said once some crazy lady came in and complained hat she had the whooping cough. And whenever she coughed she followed it with a loud “woooOOOP!”

There was a guy who came to the ER because his iPhone app told him his sleep was poor quality.

When I bad a colonoscopy, my GI doctor said I said, “wow, now I know what a Muppet feels like!” He had to stop a minute to regain his composure.

It was 3am and I’d been on duty in the Emergency since 8am. I was exhausted. A well dressed man came in with his 8 year old, healthy looking, son. I asked him what was the problem. He said, “Well, I was at a wedding and it occurred to me that my son is a little short. Can you give him something right now to make him taller?”

Me coming out of anesthesia: “Man, you’re handsome.” (To Asian doctor.) He paused a second, then thanked me.

I woke up from anesthesia and asked the nurse what mascara she was wearing.

When I came out from having my wisdom teeth pulled I apparently shot up, looked at the doctor and said “Charlatan! I demand you return my teeth! They are mine and I will choose where they are to be spent!” My dad said he couldn’t stop laughing because I wouldn’t leave without them. When I woke up at home I asked my dad why my teeth were in a plastic bag on the table, he told me everything and promptly started calling me Lord Molar for the rest of the night.

Answered the bed alarm for a 90 year old this evening.
Nurse: “Where are you going?”
Patient: “I have to go.”
Nurse: “Where?”
Patient: “Well I don’t wanna be here.”
Me too, lady. Me too.

I asked a female patient with dementia what year it is. She said, “Oh, my, no, that’s far too personal to discuss in polite company. A nice young lady like you shouldn’t be concerned with such things.”
I didn’t bother pointing out that I’m not a lady. I figured if she didn’t notice the beard, then she wasn’t going to understand an explanation either.

One of my 5 patients tonight keeps yelling maybe once every 2 minutes, going “OWWWWWW!!!” as if she’s looking at a handsome man. I’ve asked her several times why she’s yelling (waiting to see if she’s in any pain) and her answers range from “I didn’t know I was yelling,” to “It’s a habit.”

Went about an anal problem. The doctor put his finger up to check all was ok, I made a slight noise and he asked if I was ok. And this is when I said “That’s nice”, instead of “That’s ok”.

Was at a urologist in a hospital and there were a couple of power cuts. Lights dipped out, generators kicked in.
As he’s finishing the examination, mid-sentence, the lights go out again. He gets up and walks out to check on things.
Fifteen minutes later I’m still sat on the bed with my old chap out and pants around my ankles. A nurse walks past the open door and does one of those comedy double-takes.
“….do you…do you have an appointment?”
Turns out the doc had actually finished the examination, and returned to the ward some 15 minutes ago. To the nurse I was just some guy who had walked in and pulled his pants down and left the door open.

During a yearly check-up the doc was concerned about my weight. I promised him I’d do better and next year I would be back down to a healthy weight.
Maybe a week or so later my doc saw me at a local pub with a plate of hot wings in front of me and a pint of beer. He was a bro and didn’t say anything but I could see the look of disappointment in his eyes.

The stupidest thing I’ve been to the doctor for: I took my young son in because he had a very regular rash on his lower back. It wasn’t until I was in the doctor’s office that I noticed that it had exactly the same pattern as the inlet cover on our jacuzzi. Which he had just been bathing in.

Not a doctor but I was a Nurse’s assistant and a kitchen staff member came in and said “Help, I ate raw corn”. Apparently the cook had convinced him that eating raw corn was poisonous or something. I had a good laugh about it.

I hope I’m not too late. I have a friend that works in a doctors office in Amish Country in Pennsylvania. They had an Amish couple come in, saying that the wife couldn’t get pregnant. They ran a couple tests, and everything was coming up normal. So then they gave him a cup and asked him for a semen sample. He came back with it full of his piss. He had been pissing in his wife, thinking that is how you impregnate someone.

Ran to the dermatologist because of a spot on my butt that I thought might be cancerous. Doc looked me in the eye and said “Phil330, that’s a pimple”.

Not a doctor, but I WAS a corpsman in the Navy. I had a Marine come in because he swallowed a rock. “Why,” I asked, puzzled, “would you swallow a rock?”
“I was hungry.”

I’ve had a few patients freak out because webMD told them that their rash was Stevens-Johnson syndrome.
Actual diagnosis: contact dermatitis from new laundry soap.

Nurse here, I work in Anaesthetics and it drives me mad the amount of patients that want to have allergies, e.g, antibiotics give them the trots, er no that’s a side effect. Anyway the anaesthetist comes into the anaesthetic room morning and asks me not to ask the patient about allergies, I’m puzzled at this and ask her why, the patient was allergic to oxygen. Yes, oxygen. She was a fun patient.

Paramedic here. Was driving with my partner and patient in the back. Patient was fine. Patient’s skeezy boyfriend was riding in the front with me and apparently saw a golden opportunity to ask a question that had obviously been on his mind for some time.
Him: So when cats and dogs eat grass, that means they have cancer, right?
Me: Ummm. No. No it does not.
Made for an awkwardly silent ride the rest of the way.

While in dental school my friend pulled out several bombed out (technical term) teeth on a adult male. After the procedure was finished and post-op instructions we given, the man asked, “So when should I expect my new teeth to grow in?” He was serious.

As a veterinarian, I had a 10 minute conversation with an owner explaining which side was the dog’s left side.

My fiance is an X-ray tech. He gets weird cases all the time. He had to do a head CT on someone who came into the ER because she took two marijuana tablets and wondered why her head was foggy and she felt slow moving… Face palm.

I dated a Med student who had no idea how girls used tampons.. He thought you “laid them sideways” along the opening to the vagina. I was rather suprised by this one..

Not a doctor, but I’m a former Special Forces medic and I treated indigenous populations in Iraq, Afghanistan and several other Middle Eastern countries. Some of the patients and their families asked incredible things of me, such as putting brains back inside after an explosion took half the head off, but I have never been as incredulous as when I had to explain “wrong hole” to a very old tribal elder who was wondering why he couldn’t father any children.

Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn’t be pregnant. She said her last period was “like ten months ago” so she’d gone through menopause.
She was 25.

Was translating at a medical clinic once. A father brought in his 20-year old son convinced he had early signs of diabetes since his hair was greasy. After convincing thr doctor that’s what he was actually there for, we told him to go take a shower and try different shampoo 🙁 its sad how little some people know about diabetes

Not a doctor, dental hygienist…
Had to explain that brushing your teeth with Comet ( the cleaner ) was not a good way to clean your teeth to a 40 year old woman.
Also had to tell a woman that painting her teeth with white finger nail polish was a bad idea.

Patient comes in at 2 am for insomnia, clearly tweaking her brains out, heart rate 200. Can’t sit still, bouncing off the walls. I suggest maybe easing up on the cocaine. “But doctor, I LOVE cocaine.” K.

I don’t have to deal with people patients, but I helped out a vet for a while and there’s a lot of dumb pet owners. Had one lady who was really concerned about her obese lab getting hiccups. The vet let her know the dog was overweight and she told him he was wrong and then insisted we do diagnostic tests to “figure out” the hiccups.

Not a doctor but my dad is an opthamologist (eye doctor). He once told me that one of his patients came in utterly confused why the “medicine in his glasses no work anymore.”

As a veterinarian, I had a 10 minute conversation with an owner explaining which side was the dog’s left side.

Friend of mine is a doctor. Had a christian couple come in and ask why they didn’t get a child. Both virgins untill married at 26 and 27. I mean, they did sleep with each other every night. Sleep.

A friend of mine mistakenly called her gynecologist instead of her dentist to make an appointment, and started the call by admitting she was overdue for a cleaning…

I had a patient’s mom ask me if putting a catheter in her 6 year old son would break his hymen and would he still be a virgin.

So, not a doctor but I work at a hospital. We had someone come into A&E because they needed their nails redoing… They genuinely thought it was a good idea to go to accident and emergency to have their fake nails taken off and redone because they had gotten too long and become uncomfortable.

I’m a rural family doc doing locums and was working at a city family practice clinic when I saw this patient.
21 y/o female, not overweight, in no distress and appears quite well
Me: “so what brings you in today”
Pt: “I’m pretty sure I had a heart attack”
Me: “okay, tell me more about why you feel that. what does this pain feel like”
Pt: “like a heart attack”
Me: “oh I see. When did you last have a heart attack that this feels like”
Pt: “I haven’t had one before. But I get this pain every time I have my period. And I’ve sent my mom to the ER twice with the same pain before so I know it’s a heart attack”
She was a non smoker who had no comorbidities, very noncardiac sounding chest pain, no risk factors and her mother that was sent in to the ED, had an EKG, no bloodwork and sent home shortly after (though patient swears both episodes were heart attacks).

I asked a patient complaining of dizziness if she had ever been diagnosed with “vertigo”. The daughter chimed in and said “no, no, she’s a Libra…” I then laughed hysterically at her awesome joke. She was dead serious.

Patient comes in with abdominal pain. “I think it’s my gallbladder,” they say. Looking over their chart, I see their gallbladder was removed 20 years ago so that is impossible. I mention this, to which they reply “yeah but it grew back.”

A memorable lady was utterly convinced that her friend got cancer because she quit smoking (not because she eas a smoker…duh). This lady had a mild goitre, and her reason for not quitting was that if she quit smoking the ‘lumps in my neck would turn to cancer’. Could not be convinced otherwise. Then I referred her to ENT for her hoarse voice and she was surprised how fast she was seen. I said ‘well you’re a smoker so they were worried you might have throat cancer’ “Smoking causes throat cancer?!?!”. I always needed a strong coffee after her.

A memorable lady was utterly convinced that her friend got cancer because she quit smoking (not because she was a smoker…duh). This lady had a mild goitre, and her reason for not quitting was that if she quit smoking the ‘lumps in my neck would turn to cancer’. Could not be convinced otherwise. Then I referred her to ENT for her hoarse voice and she was surprised how fast she was seen. I said ‘well you’re a smoker so they were worried you might have throat cancer’ “Smoking causes throat cancer?!?!”. I always needed a strong coffee after her.

Ophthalmologist here. Told patient he needed reading glasses which he didn’t believe. I explained that everyone develops presbyopia eventually. “Come on, George Clooney doesn’t wear reading glasses!”. A) yes he does & B) not sure why you are comparing yourself with him…

Had a female patient. Her mom asked me to adjust her scrotum. Trying not to burst out laughing, I said “Your daughter’s scrotum?” She acted like I was stupid and pointed to the back of her neck.
I knew she wouldn’t listen as she was so convinced so I stopped arguing with her. And I also wanted her to go around saying it to other people.

The time I was telling the family that the patient is going to die and her lab results (pH 6.6, lactic acid 25) are not compatible with life and they said they were pretty sure she would wake up if I put ice in her underpants. Well. Yeah we are not going to do that. She died and they still didn’t believe me she was dead. They kept trying to wake her up.

Doctor here. One we get commonly is “I know my body.” Scoped a guy with knee pain – the joint looked perfect. Told him after the surgery, and he told us “no, my tendons are all torn. I know my body”
Told a lady she was pregnant. “No, I’m not. I just had a big lunch. I know my body”
Absolutely, when something doesn’t feel right and your doctor doesn’t want to listen, seek a second opinion. You know how your body normally feels. But if someone has performed an invasive surgery to look at your joint, or has seen a fetus on ultrasound, they probably know what they are talking about.

Doctor here. One we get commonly is “I know my body.” Scoped a guy with knee pain – the joint looked perfect. Told him after the surgery, and he told us “no, my tendons are all torn. I know my body.”
Told a lady she was pregnant. “No, I’m not. I just had a big lunch. I know my body.”
Absolutely, when something doesn’t feel right and your doctor doesn’t want to listen, seek a second opinion. You know how your body normally feels. But if someone has performed an invasive surgery to look at your joint, or has seen a fetus on ultrasound, they probably know what they are talking about.

Gynecologist here.
Imagine a revved up version of that dreadlocked beanie-wearing woman meme: “Uh, it’s not vuh-JI-nah anymore, it’s pronounced vaah-ZHEE-nah now.”

Might be late to this, but a 17 year old girl who was pregnant and came into the emergency department to get checked as she was punched in the stomach. She wanted to go out for a smoke so I did the whole pregnancy and smoking spiel, she stopped me and told me I knew nothing as the baby would be harmed if she stopped smoking straight away.

Me: Sir, I need to know why you stopped taking your antiretrovirals for your HIV.
Him: Well I met this witch online that…
Me: Wait, did you just said “witch”?
Him: Yeah, she sent me a bunch of herbs every month to cure my HIV, and they worked, last time i checked I was cured.
Me: Where and what tests did you do to know you were cured?
Him: I made an online test that the witch told me to, they were a lot of random questions but in the end it said that I was free of HIV.
Me: Ooook, we will need to do a blood test to confirm that. Now, can you tell me wich herbs were you consuming?
Him: I don’t know the name, but I have them right here :points at his backpack:
Me: May I take a look?
Him: Sure!
I opened the bag and what I saw was nothing but grinded oregano with something that smelled like chlorine… The patient, sadly, died from a severe sepsis a month later with a highly resistant microorganism. Just because a “witch” in a website told him to stop taking his meds…

Me: Sir, I need to know why you stopped taking your antiretrovirals for your HIV.
Him: Well I met this witch online that…
Me: Wait, did you just said “witch”?
Him: Yeah, she sent me a bunch of herbs every month to cure my HIV, and they worked, last time i checked I was cured.
Me: Where and what tests did you do to know you were cured?
Him: I made an online test that the witch told me to, they were a lot of random questions but in the end it said that I was free of HIV.
Me: Ooook, we will need to do a blood test to confirm that. Now, can you tell me wich herbs were you consuming?
Him: I don’t know the name, but I have them right here :points at his backpack:
Me: May I take a look?
Him: Sure!
I opened the bag and what I saw was nothing but grinded oregano with something that smelled like chlorine… The patient, sadly, died from a severe sepsis a month later with a highly resistant microorganism. Just because a “witch” in a website told him to stop taking his meds…

Radiographer here and had the ED doctor give me a request for soft tissue neck X-rays and the doctor was p much like “don’t question it, just do it.” Anyway after that patient had left the ED dr came and told me that the gentleman presented to ED at 3am because he had hot milk three days ago and his tongue has been hurting ever since. The patient basically burnt his tongue but was insisting on a X-ray to ensure nothing is wrong.

Woman with this weird abdominal cramping, twitching presentation. I won’t say stupid because she probably had some kind of undiagnosed dementia, but definitely the most bizarre.
Ask her what she is feeling, why she’s twitching her abdomen “It’s like it’s trying to get out!” “Like what’s trying to get out ma’am?” “My…. my…. my SPERM!” “Um ma’am… you don’t have sperm” “Oh”
For those of you curious, by the time I saw her last official diagnosis was pseudoseizures. She had a tendency to start twitching parts of her body whenever we would start asking whether she had twitching in those areas. “Ma’am have you had any twitching in your legs” *she looks at leg, leg starts twitching” “Yeah, I have”.

Med student here, but I have had two winners.
When discussing a precancerous skin lesion on a patient, they opted to use their “laser ray” instead of classic treatment. It was a cancer laser ray that was bought online. It also apparently had “frequencies for arthritis”. They insisted that the vibratory frequency can be tuned to destroy cancer cells, just like a trained singer may be able to use her voice to break a crystal glass. The patient did not believe that cancer cells and regular cells would have the same frequency.
Another patient insisted that his cancer had been properly treated at home with baking soda (he gave me a website like or something). The patient also had with them a surgery report in which it appears their baking soda consumption resulted in buildup of abnormal calcium in the wall of the stomach, which had to be removed.

When I was shadowing in a peds unit, a doc told me how a father of a newborn was against vaccines, even vit K because he thought the preservatives in them were harmful AS HE WAS EATING A BAG OF F*CKING DORITOS. Family came in like a day later because the kid was about to bleed out.

While I am a doctor, this happened to my wife, also a doctor. Female pt came in complaining of infertility. Said she and her partner had been trying to conceive for like five years and had “tried everything.” At one point she let the pronoun slip “she and I…” and my wife said, “wait, let’s back up a minute.” Turns out the woman had been in a hetero relationship for a few years and never got pregnant despite using no protection. She then entered a same-sex relationship and again never got pregnant even though she really wanted to, leading her to believe she was infertile. When my wife tried to explain that conception requires sperm (sourced from a male) as well as an egg, the pt was incredulous, and exclaimed that she “didn’t need a man in my life” and she didn’t like being judged. Perhaps needless to say the patient was lost to followup.

I am a family practitioner and I had a family not want to vaccinate their newborn because they heard that vaccines were derived from monkeys brains and they didn’t want their child to develop monkey like characteristics.

I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn’t matter “because he uses a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.†I asked what she meant when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he used said condom again..

Not a Doctor, but EMT.
Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn’t be pregnant. She said her last period was “like ten months ago” so she’d gone through menopause.
She was 25.

A woman came in for a baby check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle. So I started explaining to her as kindly as I could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk. At which point she interrupts me and says, “Oh that isn’t chocolate milk. It’s coffee! He just loves it!â€

A woman comes in after having a baby and tells us she’s having trouble breastfeeding. I book her an appointment at a breastfeeding clinic, give her some resources, etc. Her appointment was fine and she went on her merry way. A few weeks later, we get the fax that she went to the breastfeeding clinic and everything was fine. Awesome.
A year later she shows up for her doctor’s appointment, and she’s morbidly obese. She must have put 100lbs on an already obese frame. She’s developed many health problems related to her weight (that she refuses to acknowledge are due to her weight. Of course.) She tells us she’s never been more active after having a kid, her diet hasn’t changed, her work life hasn’t changed, nothing has changed, the weight gain just happened due to ~hormones. We ask if she’s breastfeeding, she says yes. We ask how she’s getting the extra calories for the breastfeeding, and she tells us the Clinic told her to eat 1-2 bowls of plain oatmeal a day. It worked, so she’s still doing it.
We figure this is how she gained so much weight (she’s probably eating 2 large bowls of oatmeal on top of her meals, with milk, sugar, butter, etc), but the woman insists she’s eating 1-2 packets of plain oatmeal a day. Nothing on it, nothing added to it. It says plain on the package, it tastes plain, it’s plain.
We send the doctor in to see her after briefing him on the whole story about the oatmeal. He’s in the room with her a long time — much longer than normal. When she comes out of the room, she keeps her head down and walks off, looking angry and embarrassed. The doctor walks up to the nursing table and fills out the chart.
“You never asked what brand of oatmeal she’s eating”.
Yeah. Turns out she didn’t know plain rolled oats were a thing. She thought the breastfeeding clinic meant plain oatmeal cookies. She was eating an entire package of Dad’s oatmeal cookies every single day for a year (basically a ‘bowl or two’ filled with cookies), and could not understand how that was different from oatmeal.

An older lady was brought into the ED barely conscious by her husband. In a very thick Italian accent she told the doctor she was dying. She had complained of feeling tingly and having a dry mouth prior to passing out.
The doctor sat the husband down and they did a history. No serious medical problems and she was very fit. In fact she spent the morning cleaning her sons bar, as she often did on a Sunday morning.
Considering her age they took these symptoms very seriously and begun running tests to find the source of her ailments.
The son came in to visit his mother, and on the way he bypassed his bar. He noticed that his mother had helped herself to some of the ‘treats’ prepared the night before.
The son, the apple of his parents eye, had to then explain to his father and the doctor that the treats she had enjoyed were space cakes. And apparently she really enjoyed them as she ate quite a few.
They then had to sit down and tell this elderly lady that she was not dying, and that she was in fact stoned!
Fortunately she was still high enough to see the humour.

I had a patient that got a pretty nasty infection and became septic after putting collard greens in her vagina for several days because she thought it would induce an abortion.

Doc here. I had a guy with an ICD in place. For those who don’t know, it basically shocks your heart if it goes into a funny rhythm.
He would regularly come into the hospital to have it turned off because he would do a ton of cocaine and the thing would keep firing due to his high heart rate.
I told him not to do cocaine. He kept doing cocaine.

This happened in med school. I was taking the history of a guy in clinic and I asked about his past medical problems, including if he had had any heart attacks.
He responded, “oh yeah, I’ve had about 20 of those.”
“…you’ve had 20 heart attacks??”
“Which doctor(s) did you see about them? Do you have a cardiologist?”
“Nah, I never went to a doctor. My wife is a massage therapist, and whenever a heart attack hits, she starts to massage some pressure points and it stops.”
“……Uhhhhh, ok……What does it feel like when you have a heart attack?”
“I don’t ever remember them. My wife tells me that I fall onto the floor and my arms and legs start jerking. She says it takes about a minute of her massaging before it stops. I then get really confused and tired afterwards, and I can’t remember much of anything that happens to me until I take a nice long nap.”
The dude was having seizures, and thought that they were heart attacks. They normally stop on their own after a few minutes (at the most), and his wife thought that her massages were curing him.

I’ve had a patient claim that amputations run in his family.
He said that was the only reason he needed both legs taken off above the knee. He was adamant that it was not actually due to his uncontrolled diabetes, his enormous and continual sugar intake, his refusal to use insulin, or his refusal of treatment for the giant infected wounds on both feet.

A female doc I know at my school likes to tell this story as an example of why one must always ask for patient attribution (i.e. “What do you think is causing your problem?”)
Really old guy came in complaining of foot pain. He was diabetic. Lady doc already has a diagnosis in mind, but goes through the whole shebang. At the end asks “And what do you think is causing the problem?” He goes: “I think I have a tack in my shoe.”
He had a tack in his shoe and couldn’t bend over to get it out. She helped him remove it and he went on his way.

As a self-diagnosing patient…One day notice a white, hard, jagged object protruding from my back gum. Can’t believe I’m having a tooth come in, especially since I’m 23 and had my wisdom teeth taken out years ago. Go to the dentist to get some X-rays annnnd it turns out to be a piece of a tortilla chip.

Surgeon here. Was doing varicose veins surgery on a very posh middle aged lady. Very cut class accent. There was an anaesthetic that we used that sometimes induced some hallucinations either going under or coming out of anaesthesia and heard some funny things.
Anyway this lady was in recovery just coming out of the anaesthetic. The team were around waiting for her to wake up and gag a little on the tube in her throat (for breathing) so we knew it was time to remove it. She gagged, we removed the tube, she smacked her lips and said loudly, in her incredible accent:
‘That’s the best bit of cock I have had in years!’
The whole recovery room just fell about laughing. Luckily she didn’t remember it.

I took care of an 11 year old boy in the ER a little while back. I gave him ketamine for a fracture reduction, or in other words setting and splinting of a broken bone. As he was coming around he started with typical stream of consciousness babbling and then he seemed to snap awake to say “I’m fuckin liiiiiit I’m gonna do so many drugs when I get older” to the amusement of his parents. They thought it was funny and cute but I’m pretty sure I created a monster.

A woman had a gynecologist appointment one afternoon. Before leaving home she used a little feminine deodorant spray, just in case.
She gets to her appointment and is assisted into the stirrups for her pelvic exam.
The doc takes a quick look and says “My, aren’t we fancy today!”
She and not used her feminine deodorant spray; she had instead accidentally used her daughter’s glitter hairspray.

Not a doctor but a nurse. I once walked into my patient’s room responding to his call light. He had an accident and peed on the floor on the way to the bathroom and was now laying in bed stark naked calling for me. His wife, I guess oblivious to all this, was just dancing in the pee. Like eyes closed, hands over her head, hips swaying. In a puddle of her husbands pee. They were really a bizarre couple.

Went about an anal problem. The doctor put his finger up to check all was ok, I made a slight noise and he asked if I was ok. And this is when I said “That’s nice”, instead of “That’s ok”.

I went to the doctor to treat my soar throat and I agreed to get a shot of penicillin. If you don’t know this shot goes right into the ass. As he put the needle into my rear end I suddenly had the need to vomit. I wasn’t feeling anything until the exact moment of contact with my cheek. I yell STOP and immediately try to run over to the sink where I proceed to trip and fall. Then I just start letting it all out over the floor. I was just laying there on my side blowing chunks with the needle still stuck in my ass. It wasn’t one of my finer experiences at the doctor.

Farted on my doctor’s hand just as she finished a prostate exam. Because of the lube it was an especially wet and raspberry sounding one. She giggled and said she’d be rich if she had a pound for every time it happened.

I popped a boner on the nurse prepping me for a vasectomy… in front of my wife. During the procedure the doc kept referring to my member as Mr. Happy and talking about how hot the nurse was. The nurse was still on the room btw.

Getting a physical around 11-13 and the doctor who was probably around 75 at the time asks me to strip down to my boxers for the whole awkward ball grab thing. Obviously at that age and dealing with all that shit you feel weird so when the doctor only said “cough” I mustered up a big one and was prepared to fire when he suddenly interrupts me with these words of wisdom “Son, when a man has your balls in his hand you don’t cough in his face.”

Dropped a nasty rotten-egg fart in a patients room. He asked if I smelled anything and I said, “no.” He was silent for a minute, then says, “it smells like food.” He hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in days because of cancer in his stomach. Must have been really hungry if he thought it smelled edible

Guy comes into the emergency department via Ambulance with burns on his lower extremities. His shoes are charred and the bottoms of his pants are definitely burned away but his skin isn’t so bad. He had been trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard (think flame thrower) and things got a little out of control. I smelled alcohol on his breath so I asked the guy if he had been drinking and he looked me directly in the eye and said, “Nooooo”. I got drunk just standing next to him. It was a once in a lifetime set up and I couldn’t help myself. As straight faced and professionally as possible I said, “Sir…liar, liar, pants on fire”. The paramedics all turned at once and ran out of the room they were laughing so hard! The patient just stared at me. He was so drunk it went totally over his head.

Heard this story from a nurse friend.
Some guy was dancing in skin tight leather pants at the opening of a new nightclub in a nearby small city. It was hot inside with the huge crowd.
The guy fainted from the heat and was taken to the ER, where his pants were cut off.
This revealed that the guy had a length of pepperoni in his crotch, taped to his thigh.
The ER staff got the giggles and left his room to laugh in the hallway. At some point one of them said something like, “We’ve got to get back in there and deal with an unconscious patient.” At this point they returned to professional duties.

The other day I had a 400 lb, 50 year old patient who hadn’t pooped in (she claims) 6 days. So I gave her all kinds of things to make her go and the moment comes when she feels the urge. She’s too heavy and unable to do things on her own so she asked for a bedpan. When she turned to her side, stool the size and shape of a small baby or big burrito slid out and I caught it. I looked up at the aide and down at the baby sized poo and back at the aide and did my best not to laugh or make a sound.
All I could think of is how I legit felt like I delivered a baby

I once had the daughter of one of my patients march up to the nursing station, slam the vitals chart down on the desk and yell at me “How dare you say my mother stinks” I’m utterly puzzled by this as no-one had said anything of the sort and ask the daughter to explain what she meant, she grabs the chart, points to the row of “BO’s” recorded on it and shouts “Here you even had the nerve to write it down” I explained that “BO” meant Bowels Open not body odour before escaping to the staff room to laugh my head off.

I am an ER doc. I once had a 20 year old and his girlfriend come in at 2 am freaking out becuase “something had tore his throat open”. He seemed fine. No blood. Breathing fine. I had him open his mouth, saw nothing. So didn’t want him to lose confidence in me, clearly something had happened, so I’m looking, and looking….there is nothing wrong with this kids throat. Finally I say look, it seems ok…what do you feel or see? “I dont feel it but LOOK ITS RIGHT THERE”. WHERE??? Looking, looking. It was his uvula. Somehow this kid had gotten to the age of 20 without ever noticing his uvula. Girlfriend was also horrified….I told them it was normal. Did not believe me. So I told them I was about to blow their minds and showed him his girlfriends uvula. Minds blown, another life saved in the ER.

I had a patient in her 30s complain of monthly rectal bleeding that would last 4-6 days and stop on its own. It started when she was 11. She just thought she should get checked out. It did stop for a while when she was pregnant.

There was one who was very upset to find out that she was pregnant again because she’d used her diaphragm EXACTLY as she’d been told.
She carefully inspected it for holes, applied the spermicide, placed it, wore it at night, then took it out, cleaned it and put it away each morning.
…And then her husband arrived home from his night-shift.

I posted this a while back when a similar question was asked:
GP here. The most outrageous thing I’ve heard was from a boy who was something like 20-22 years old. Very poor, illiterate family. The boy had a bad case of tonsilitis and refused to take any meds because all he needed to do was “bite the sun”. Basically at noon he had to look up to the sun, open his mouth as wide as possible and “bite” the sun several times so it would “burn” his tonsils and cure him over the course of a couple weeks. When that wouldn’t work, plan B was to do the same at night but only under a full moon.

I worked at the ER during my internship and met a girl who had increasingly painful and red eyes since a couple of days back. The last 24h had been horrible. I asked about all the normal stuff, and she claimed to have no idea why she had this eye problem – she had never had anything wrong with her eyes. I proceed to drop some dye in her eyes to check them in a microscope, and when I do I realize she’s wearing contacts.
She didn’t like her natural eye colour, so she had bought a set of blue coloured lenses 8 months earlier. Never removed them, not even during night time. Didn’t even think to mention this to me, claimed to have no “foreign materials” in her eyes.
Needless to say, I gave her quite the harsh lecture and a referal to an ophtalmologist.

I’m a med student but I once saw a patient in the ER who came in because she lost her vibrator inside herself. It was still on. She sat in the waiting room for over an hour with that thing in there.

I once saw a high school aged kid come in with a dinner candle stuck in his rectum. He reportedly was using it to reach an itch. Apparently the itch was in his spleen because that thing was deep. Mom told me the story, and how she had previously asked him to not itch himself with other things of hers. I didn’t ask for any more details. I honestly think she believed that he was just really itchy.

My pharmacist at my old job was a very beautiful woman. Many people complemented her, but we had one patient that she would literally hide from (duck under counters, around corners, fake phone calls if he had already seen her). He said the worst things to her. For example, “if you were my girlfriend I would never let you out of bed.” Which in your reading-stuff-online-mental-voice probably isn’t as bad as it was to have some creepy old lech mouth breathing and leering at you. He would ask her horribly personal questions like if her boobs were real and had she ever been with a white guy before (she’s black.) I guess to answer your question, she handled it by avoiding slash hiding from him.

I’m not a doctor, but I’m an ER nurse. I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn’t matter “because he uses a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it throughly after every use.” I asked what she meant when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he used said condom again…

I had severe asthma as a kid. I was intubated for a severe attack a few times. My parents were instructed to take better precautions in our home and went through instructions, more dusting, washing bed sheets and the big one: NO SMOKING inside the house. So my parents agreed to all of this.

Few weeks later, I’m back in the hospital. A doctor recognized me and came over to talk. Then he bent over and smelled my head (I’ll never forget that. I thought it was so weird). He told a nurse to sit there and not let me leave with my parents. When my parents showed up, he asked point blank, ‘Did you not understand what I told you last time? Do you understand these attacks could be fatal?’

‘But we open windows and have stopped smoking in her room when we put her to bed!

Not a doctor, but my human sexuality professor in grad school had some interesting stories. He worked a lot in very conservative Christian communities and so a lot of times people got married with no sex education. One couple was in therapy because neither one of them enjoyed sex or ever had an orgasm. After having them talk through step by step what they did in bed, he learned the guy was just sticking it in and nothing else. He told the guy to move back and forth next time and see what happened. They couple came back one more time to say “THANK YOU!!!!!” and didn’t need any more sessions.

Not a doctor, but I regularly have people come in for eye examinations because ‘when I take my glas

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I’m In A Wheelchair: 5 Ways Dating Can Be Super Dark

Get intimate with our new podcast, Cracked Gets Personal. Subscribe for fascinating episodes like My Job Was Killing People: 3 Soldiers Tell Us Everything and Behind Every War News Story Is A 20-Something College Kid.

My wheelchair often becomes a small elephant in the room wherever I go. That’s especially the case when that room is full of the most frightening type of people to me: strangers. Their inability to process someone using a wheelchair has become so commonplace that I often fast-forward to resenting them before they’ve even spoken to me.

Because of that, I often find myself in angst mode, which can be a real problem when it comes to dating. Dating requires meeting new people, and I can’t meet someone new without them being far more interested in the wheelchair than any aspect of my personality. Admittedly, my personality sucks, but being reduced to a set of tires, axles, and motors isn’t going to endear you to me either. Dating while confined to a chair is an altogether different and more challenging experience — though it makes me a much more efficient speed dater.


People’s Reactions Have Fundamentally Changed Who I Am

It’s inevitable: Upon meeting me, my date will do absolutely everything in their power not to mention or look at my wheelchair. It becomes my defining feature. After about ten minutes of stilted small talk and eye contact so intense I sometimes fear they may actually be trying to explode my head with psychic energy, the desire to know why I’m confined to such a contraption takes over. When the pretenses fall away, I’m asked to casually adapt the painful origin story of my disability into light and breezy chitchat. The person who can turn a virus that eats the protective tissues around their brain into quirky conversation deserves a large trophy.

What’s worse is that I now expect this reception from every single person I come across. When I can’t meet anyone new without spending the entirety of the conversation wondering when the small talk will veer to the painful memory, I start planning exit routes that ensure I run over as many feet as I can on the way out. I anticipate people’s judgement before they’ve even spotted me rolling along at crotch-level. I visualize them asking me to relive the moment when I was lying in bed, not even sure if I would live to see my life go to shit, and I shut them out before they get the chance to prove me wrong. Humanity’s prejudice has induced my own prejudice against them. It’s a sick kind of poetic justice, but not the deep, introspective kind. It’s more like annoying slam poetry.

All this is probably why I’m marrying the first person who could actually see past my wheelchair. That’s not a joke. I’m literally about to marry that person. You have to lock down the good ones before someone else takes them.


People Think My Date Is My Carer

When people see me out with my able-bodied counterpart, they assume he’s only there to wipe my ass at regular intervals, not to buy me cake and watch superhero movies with me. People don’t seem to get that the person with me isn’t a registered nurse I pay to spoon-feed me when I’m out to lunch. I’m trying to have sex and fall in love with that person, and I’m hoping they’re willing to reciprocate.

Depicting my partner as my carer is fine when he is helping me to get on a train. It is not fine when we are simply out together wandering the streets, and anyone who has to interact with us refers to him as my carer. They don’t speak to me — they speak to my date, as if I’m miles away. Meanwhile, I sit there trying to pass my hand through someone’s body in case I didn’t realize I was a ghost this whole time. To them, the chair I sit in reduces me to someone not worth speaking to directly, but instead through an intermediary they assume I’ve been assigned. And it’s automatic for a lot of people. Without a moment of hesitation, they assume I’m a vegetable.

No one ever sees a relationship when they look at us. It’s an idea so deeply burned into the brains of society that no one thinks twice about it before deciding that my capacity for a relationship extends no further than requiring someone to help me do normal-people stuff, because clearly I am incapable of normal-people emotions, thoughts, or even speech. When it’s pointed out to someone that I’m wearing an engagement ring for a reason, they look like someone just gave them a surprise prostate exam. Once they’ve dealt with the fact that wheelchair users are, in fact, human beings like everyone else on the planet, they start to become suspicious that something sinister is taking place. “But … but how can you love WHEN YOU HAVE W-W-WHEELS?!”

Sadly that’s not the worst thing people think about the people I’ve dated …


People Think My Date Is A Creepy Pervert

Before my fiance and I started dating, we attended a social event for a university society, where he befriended a young woman who was struggling with severe mental health issues. After she couldn’t cope in the overly crowded room and the rest of the group simply wanted to send her home in a taxi so that they could drunkenly enjoy their night out, he made the heinous mistake of daring to comfort her. The seeds of suspicion were sewn.

Months later, he and I were dating. We met up with members of said society. The reception was a little icy when they realized we were more than just friends, but nothing was said at the time. Behind our backs, however, it was perfectly obvious to them that he was taking advantage of me and my vulnerability to satisfy his own desires. I wasn’t consulted on the matter, as it turned out I was a ghost, and as such, my opinion was invalid. There was no relationship between two consenting adults. To them, there was only a sexual predator and his dimwitted prey.

The rumors led to his exclusion from events, and even the people he planned to move in with the following academic year forced him out based on rumor alone. Having spoken to other disabled people, I know that when they hang out with someone able-bodied of the opposite gender, the general assumption of those around them is that the disabled person is a weak and pitiful creature falling foul of evil intent. It’s difficult enough to lead a normal life as it is. It’s even worse when idiots assume the non-disabled friends and lovers around me are only there to get some kind of sick thrill out of it, like I’m a character in a David Cronenberg movie. When they’re not doing that …


People Think My Date Is A Hero

If my partner is not assumed to be a criminal, then he’s at the other end of the spectrum: a hero we should all aspire to be one day. Did he save the family from a burning house? Did he singlehandedly save the world from an alien invasion? Nope! He’s a hero for having sex with a wheelchair girl. Let’s give him the key to the city!

As we travel down the street together, some people will give him genuine looks of admiration. Their eyebrows raise a fraction, they flash a warm, condescending smile, and then they turn to their companions to discuss how sweet he is in whispers so loud they’re more accurately described as breathy screams. Few ever speak to him directly. Why would they? Doing so might break the elaborate fiction they’ve created of a Superman walking among us, throwing lonely disabled girls a pity boning.

Short of shutting ourselves behind closed doors all day, it’s inescapable. My fiance has mentioned to me more than once just how uncomfortable this makes him feel, and I can hardly blame him. He’s here because he likes me, and he knows that I’m more than the wheels everyone else uses to define me. I read books. I write. I listen to music. I wear too much eyeliner. I attend wrestling shows. I like superhero movies. I’m terrible at Crash Bandicoot. I swear like a motherfucker. These are the reasons he’s with me. Pity isn’t one of them.

Besides, the closest he gets to heroism is when he remembers to put his underpants on before his jeans when he’s drunk.


People Are Utterly Baffled (And Way Too Curious) About How I Have Sex

I’ve been asked whether I can feel anything. Can I orgasm? Can I satisfy my partner? Can I go for a normal length of time? Do I have to use special positions? Do I have to use contraception? Can I have sex at all? Has my vagina been sealed by a magic curse which can only be lifted by the love of a prince? I get these questions all the time. Fortunately, most people have had the decency to stop short of asking if they could watch.

You’d imagine that the worst offenders here are drunk men outside of pubs, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. When I was collecting my contraceptive pill from the pharmacy, the middle-aged woman who was behind me in the queue asked me why I needed them. Out loud. In front of everyone. Truth be told, I take them for medical reasons as well as baby prevention, but that wasn’t what she was driving at. So I turned around and told her it was because I got laid more often than she did. If I could sculpt her stunned expression in bronze and put it on my shelf as a little trophy, I would.

On another occasion, my male best friend, who I have never dated and never will, was spotted leaving my room at 1 a.m. after a movie marathon. The first thing one of my female flatmates said to me the next morning was, “So you can have sex, then?” Had I been less hung over, I would probably have had some witty response, but instead tried to create the kind of silence that lets people know you’re quietly calling them stupid.

Sadly, this happens on a pretty consistent basis. I don’t know what it is about the wheelchair, but the second someone gets comfortable enough with me to start asking personal questions (and it doesn’t take long), the topic of sex comes up, and they get pretty goddamn blunt about it. I’m still confused as to why the wheelchair generates these kinds of behaviors in people, and why they take offense when I take offense to these queries. What are they expecting? For me to crack and give up all the juicy details like it’s a police interrogation? No. I owe them nothing and they should expect nothing, other than a punch to the face as they’re doubled over in pain after I’ve run over their foot in yet another perfectly executed exit.

Emma Steer, a.k.a. “Mini” (long story), has her own blog, “Diary of a Disabled Person,” with new posts discussing her life released every Sunday. She also has a Facebook page accompanying the blog, sending out notifications with every new post, as well as the obligatory silly photos.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out 5 Ways The U.S. Is Still Horrible At Handling Disabilities and 5 People Whose Major Disabilities Only Made Them Stronger.

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Creepy British Fuckboy Will Not Stop Playing The Piano In Public Until His Ex Takes Him Back

This weekend while you were busy focusing on the 15 hurricanes, wildfires, earthquakes, and tsunamis that were bearing down on the U.S., you may have missed news of another horrifying natural disaster than unexpectedly struck Bristol, U.K. this Saturday. I’m talking, of course, about 34-year-old Luke Howard, who went viral setting up a piano on College Green so that he can play continuously until he “gets his girlfriend back.” Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just groaned so loud my coworkers demanded I go to the hospital.

Ugh. Where to begin? Reading this guy’s fake-romantic scheme literally made me want to fly to Bristol, befriend him, and date him, just so that I could dump his ridiculous ass myself. And before you go all, “Aww! But people do crazy things to win back their true love!” fucking pause yourself because Luke Howard had not found his true love. In fact, he and the “girl who changed his life” had actually only been dating for four months. FOUR MONTHS?!? If I’m dating a guy for four months and he so much as breathes in my direction after I break up with him, that’s grounds for a restraining order. A four month relationship is like, nothing. Was this guy low-key a contestant on ? Serious question. 

More importantly, unless this girl broke up with him for not playing enough piano (broken up with guys for weirder reasons TBH…), this scheme is not going to work. Hey Luke: Maybe instead of creating an embarrassing public spectacle to try and shame this woman into returning to your creepy arms, you should just like, work on whatever it is she dumped you for? Radical idea, I know, but maybe, just maybe, this girl broke up with you because of your insane, stalker-ish personality, and playing the first few bars of Vanessa Carlton’s   over and over again isn’t going to help with that.

And to anyone who says this is romantic: please take every fucking seat. This is exactly the kind of stalker-ish, Edward Cullen-esque behavior that makes women the subject of a Netflix true crime documentary. IDK how laws work in the U.K., but this guy should be arrested immediately on suspicion of being a dumbass. It would def save his poor ex girlfriend a lot of trouble.

Oh, and of course, this guy looks exactly like you’d imagine him to look. Seriously. Take a moment to picture him in your mind. Did he look like this?

See what I mean. And let’s not even get into the fact that this Piano Man 34 years old. This is a grown-ass man. He should be scheduling his first prostate exam, not subjecting his classmates to some pathetic public Seth Cohen impression.

Even more infuriating? While Luke didn’t give up the name of his beloved (how kind), he has referred to her in the media exclusively as his “Rapunzel.” Barf. Every barf. So much barf that it fills up College Green and the area is forced to evacuate. This woman isn’t a princess, dude. She’s a student who is trying to go to class without running into her ex, his piano, and some washed out Sam Smith cover. And let’s not even get into the troubling “I want to trap you in a tower” imagery that comes into play here.

So why did he do this? Apart from like, wanting attention, which I can low-key respect. He said the breakup, “Wasn’t anything nasty or bad, it was just life getting in the way. If it was anything bad why we split up then. I wouldn’t be doing this, but it’s the only thing I can think of doing. I know people in this situation usually send flowers or text or write letters but that only ever seems to make things worse.”

Okay, so, first of all, if there wasn’t a “reason” why you guys broke up apart from “life getting in the way” then the “reason” is that she’s just not that into you, and you should leave her the fuck alone. Second of all, you are literally making it worse. Way, way worse.

And if anyone out there isn’t convinced that Luke did this 10% for love and 90% for the likes, check this out:

That’s right. He put up a sign with his Instagram handle that asked people to “please like and share my page.” I’m sorry, but I thought this was for your girlfriend? Does she not know your Instagram handle? Did you break up because not enough people liked and shared your page? I’m confused. Also, your handwriting looks like shit. Don’t you have a girlfriend who could have written this out for you? Oh…wait…

If I were this girl’s friend, I would tell her to run, not walk, away from this forlorn fuckboy. Here’s hoping he’s stuck playing that piano for a very, very long time. 

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Jimmy Kimmel Blasts GOP Senator Over Obamacare Repeal: He Lied Right To My Face

After six minutes-plus of monologue on Tuesday, Sept. 19, dedicated to health care policy during the taping of his nightly show, a video of Jimmy Kimmel blasting Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-LA) has gone viral. In the widely-shared video, Kimmel takes issue with Cassidy over the senator’s introduction of the latest GOP effort to overhaul Obamacare. The bill being used to achieve that effort, Kimmel says, proves Cassidy “lied” on national television.

A few months ago after my son had open heart surgery, which was something I spoke about on the air, a politician, a senator named Bill Cassidy from Louisiana was on my show and he wasn’t very honest.

Kimmel was later much more blunt about his opinion of Cassidy’s sponsorship of the bill. The host said,

This guy, Bill Cassidy, just lied right to my face.

The “lie” to which Kimmel refers occurred back in May, when Sen. Cassidy appeared on CNN to discuss alternatives for healthcare reform. During that appearance, the senator said any repeal bill that the Senate passes would have to succeed what he called the “Jimmy Kimmel test.”

Cassidy told CNN anchor John Berman,

I ask does it pass the Jimmy Kimmel test. Would the child born with a congenital heart disease be able to get everything she or he would need in that first year of life … even if they go over a certain amount?

Here’s a clip showing Cassidy’s May appearance of note:

Cassidy would later go on to tout the merits of the Jimmy Kimmel test in other interviews, including one on Kimmel’s show itself. Just days before, Kimmel had been at the center of another viral moment, in which he got emotional while talking about his young son’s open heart surgery. During that particular monologue, Kimmel endorsed keeping Obamacare, which at the time had been a subject of priority for the Republican-controlled Congress.

When Cassidy appeared on Kimmel’s show, shortly after the House passed a repeal bill, the senator said he agreed that — as Kimmel put it — “every American, regardless of income, should be able to get regular checkups, maternity care, etc., all of those things that people who have health care get and need.”

Now, months later in September, Kimmel has come out strongly against Graham-Cassidy, the repeal bill recently introduced by Cassidy and fellow Republican Lindsey Graham, which Kimmel says betrays what Cassidy told him in May. He said,

We want quality, affordable health care. Dozens of other countries figured it out. So instead of jamming this horrible bill down our throats, go pitch in and be a part of that. I’m sure they could use a guy with your medical background. And if not, stop using my name, O.K.? Because I don’t want my name on it. There’s a new Jimmy Kimmel test for you. It’s called the lie detector test. You’re welcome to stop by the studio and take it anytime.

Here’s Kimmel’s full monologue on health care from Tuesday night, Sept. 19:

For that monologue, Kimmel faced skepticism from critics who questioned — among other things — whether a discussion about complicated health care policy should be taking place on a late night show.

Kimmel anticipated that criticism before it even came. During the monologue, he said,

I never imagined I would get involved in something like this, this is not my area of expertise. My area of expertise is eating pizza, and that’s really about it. But we can’t let them do this to our children, and our senior citizens, and our veterans, or to any of us.

The host later added,

Before you post a nasty Facebook message saying I’m politicizing my son’s health problems, I want you to know: I am politicizing my son’s health problems because I have to. My family has health insurance we don’t have to worry about this, but other people do. So, you can shove your disgusting comments where your doctor won’t be giving you a prostate exam once they take your health care benefits away.

Republican senators in support of Graham-Cassidy are looking to pass the bill before Sept. 30, at which point the deadline for repeal Obamacare via a 50-vote threshold ends.

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Making Strides: Just 75 Years Ago, The College Girl Category Of Porn Couldnt Have Existed

Across the country and around the world, women are slowly but surely defeating the forces that oppress them, fighting tirelessly for equality. We still have a long way to go, but heres something that really puts in perspective just how far weve come: A mere 75 years ago, the college girl category of porn couldnt even have existed.

Truly inspirational. This is what progress looks like.

When our nations first colleges were founded, they were open only to men, so the idea of a barely legal freshman getting railed in her dorm room was completely unthinkable. Even when colleges for women first began to crop up, it was still a long time before most institutions of higher learning opened their doors to women, and a group of scantily clad coeds going to town on the members of the football team could become a reality.

As late as the 1950s, options for women were depressingly limited, and you were still far more likely to encounter porn featuring sexy housewives than porn featuring desperate students who were willing to do whatever it took to get an A. How quickly things changed between then and now, as the internet is overflowing with college girls who are wet, wild, and begging to fuck, a true testament to the major strides women have made in the past 75 years.

Today, women can do anything they set their minds to. They dont just have to be a slutty nurse or an obedient secretarythey can be a horny doctor giving an up-close-and-personal prostate exam, or a latex-clad CEO tying up her employee before having her way with him. Now more than ever, its possible for women to do all these things while still being MILFs who have enough time to really teach their step sons how its done.

True equality may still be a ways away, but its heartening to see how much progress has been made. So heres to the women who continue to strive toward a fairer future, and to the spring break wet T-shirt contests they enter along the way!

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8 Bizarre Movie Scenes You Didn’t Know Really Happened

We only ask one thing of movies: to take our minds off our dull, everyday lives with preposterous scenes of reality getting double-teamed by imagination and his good friend special effects. It’s a simple enough request which Hollywood still managed to fuck up by giving us films that, sure, look totally insane and wonderfully unrealistic, but which have actually happened in real life … sort of.

#8. A Rogue CIA Operative Went Full Skyfall And Became An International Terrorist

The Movie:

In Skyfall, Javier Bardem adds another notch to his Crazies With Crazy Hair belt in his portrayal of Raoul Silva, an ex-MI6 agent-turned-terrorist and prime example of why spy agencies should be more careful about vetting the guys they plan to turn into living weapons.

The Reality:

Luis Posada Carriles is a “militant” Cuban exile and highly trained CIA field agent who was kicked out of the CIA in 1976 for essentially hating Fidel Castro too much. Yep, even by the standards of 1970s CIA, Posada was going a tad overboard with his hatred of all things even vaguely communist, which sadly culminated in him blowing up a Cubana Airlines flight, together with its 73 passengers, just because it carried Cuba’s national fencing team.

“Hey, those swords could have taken someone’s eye out!”

Venezuela imprisoned Posada over the bombing … until he broke out of prison in 1985 while awaiting trial, only to become a mercenary arms trafficker for the U.S. during the Iran-Contra scandal. Oh, and to further drive the whole “real-life Bond villain” image home, Posada was once shot in the face by an assassin, and survived.

The U.S. finally accused the man of being a terrorist after he personally admitted to a deadly string of terrorist bombings against foreign tourists in Cuba. This was of course after the Bush administration most likely secured him a presidential pardon in Panama, where he was serving time for trying to blow up Fidel Castro. Posada eventually landed in Texas where authorities tried to get his homicidal and illegal ass deported. However Posada got asylum because the countries that offered to take him in (Cuba and Venezuela) would most likely torture him to death.

“What did I do?! Oh … right, the international terrorism thing.”

Posada was also tried in the United States for perjury, but got acquitted and is now a free man living in — all together now — Florida.

#7. A Homicide Detective Once Investigated A Murder He Himself Committed

The Movie:


In Shutter Island, Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t win an Oscar for portraying a law enforcement officer who investigates a disappearance only to discover that the victim is dead, and that he himself committed the crime before his sick brain blocked out that cheerful memory.

The Reality:

In the late 19th century, Parisian detective Robert Ledru was called in to investigate the 1887 fatal shooting of beachgoer Andre Monet. Fortunately for Ledru, he had a mountain of evidence to work with: shell casings, sock prints showing that the killer was missing a big toe, and … some of Ledru’s personal police files lying around the scene?

Even stranger was this note they found inside.

The detective realized that he also owned the same type of gun used in the murder, had no big toe, and woke up that morning with wet and sandy socks. The facts quickly started to add up to a giant arrow with “Le Culprit” written on it and pointing straight at Ledru, despite him having no memory of committing the crime. But as he thought more about it, the more sense it started to make.

Which is the main difference between his story and Shutter Island.

See, Ledru had syphilis which caused him to sleepwalk and, by the looks of it, sleep-murder tourists at the beach. He shared his theory with the rest of the police, but they didn’t buy it until an experiment proved that if you put a revolver near a sleeping Ledru, he’s going to get up and start sleep-firing it (fortunately they used blanks for the test.) This proved that Ledru’s crime was one of 68 recorded instances of homicidal sleepwalking, for which Ledru was sentenced to a mental institution where he presumably discovered that the whole thing was part of his therapy, and that he was never really a detective to begin with.

#6. Deranged Nazi Scientists Successfully Bioengineered A Murderous Super-Species

The Movie:

If you need some unholy scientific experiment gone wrong in your movie, blame Nazi scientists. That’s where Captain America’s nemesis Hydra came from, as well as the horrors in a whole bunch of B movies.

This was followed by Doomtrooper II: Reich Back At Ya!

In video games you can gun down genetically engineered Nazi monstrosities in Wolfenstein. Holy crap, the real Nazis weren’t bad enough, so we had to invent this whole ridiculous “genetic mad science” program for them?

The Reality:

Two German brothers, Heinz and Lutz Heck, were such big fans of European bovine history that they wanted to de-extinct aurochs, the granddaddies of modern domestic cows. The Hecks’ plan was to use selective breeding to backwards-evolve modern cattle until they got a designer breed of auroch doppelgangers.

Hold on, does this mean we could de-evolve an ostrich into a T. rex?

These new creatures weren’t genetically aurochs, but they looked and acted just like the real thing, which is to say they were incredibly aggressive and tried to kill everyone around them without provocation. In light of that, it probably won’t surprise you that the Heck bros were super into Hitler, whose government also sponsored these experiments.

The Nazis carted these bloodthirsty supercows off to a few farms where most of them were incinerated in Allied bombings. Still, some of the faux aurochs delivered to zoos survived, and you can actually buy their descendants today, if you don’t mind owning a few-ton resurrected hell-beast that constantly thinks about using its 2.5-foot-long horns to give you a prostate exam.

We challenge you to find a picture of an auroch where it doesn’t look pissed off.

#5. American Pioneers Faced Off Against An Apocalyptic Insect Swarm

The Movie:

Another common staple of terrible horror/sci-fi movies is an unstoppable insect swarm that appears out of nowhere and fucks shit up. Of course, in most cases (from Starship Troopers to Eight Legged Freaks) the creepy crawlies have to be made huge because what kind of damage can regular-sized bugs do, even if there are a lot of them?

The Reality:

Between 1874 and 1875, a swarm of Rocky Mountain locusts attacked huge areas of the United States with a force of trillions of flying grasshoppers that covered an area of nearly 200,000 square miles.

That’s a million million of these bastards. You may want to go change your underwear right now.

Basically, imagine a flying, 27-ton engine of death the size of California moving through the United States and eating everything in its path: leaves, grass, wool, paint, wooden farm equipment, etc. What’s even scarier is that the swarm just popped out of the blue, which is actually a really bad metaphor because the swarm was so large that it blacked out the goddamn sun for several hours in some areas.

Like this, but somehow far, far worse.

The pioneers tried to defend themselves any way they could, including with homemade horse-drawn flamethrowers. Sadly, improvised weaponry and action-erections didn’t do the trick, and soon there was catastrophic crop damage, massive starvation, and 6-foot mountains of locust corpses piling up in places. However, the swarm was eventually defeated after settlers unwittingly plowed over the locusts’ nesting grounds, meaning that the U.S. was once actually saved thanks to environmental destruction. You were saying, hippies?

#4. Huang Yu Jumped Out Of An Out-Of-Control Airplane After A Midair Shootout

The Movie:

In Passenger 57, skycop Wesley Snipes gets into a shootout with some terrorists aboard an airplane, but finding himself outnumbered, he jumps out of the craft just before it lands. Of course, in typical Hollywood fashion, he then regroups, defeats the bad guys, and goes on to commit tax evasion.

The Reality:

In 1948, the Miss Macao flying boat crashed in the South China Sea, killing its entire staff and passengers, save for one: a Chinese fellow named Huang Yu, who was found floating in the water, seemingly without any memory of what happened.

Man, even The Bourne Identity ripped this off?

In reality, Yu was actually one of the guys who crashed the fucking plane. It turns out that Yu and three of his buddies planned to pull off the world’s very first skyjacking, and ransom off the millionaires aboard the plane. However, when the douchebag quartet whipped out their guns, the rich passengers started trying to subdue them and a raging gun battle soon erupted.

An errant shot instantly killed the pilot, who slumped over the controls, putting the plane in a fatal nosedive. However, Yu managed to open an emergency exit and jump into the ocean right before the crash. As if the asshole couldn’t win even harder, Yu was ultimately acquitted because Macau, Hong Kong, and China could not decide who should try him for the then-nonexistent crime of skymurder.

Passenger 57 thankfully replaced that anti-climax with even more sky-murder.

#3. “Lawn Chair Larry” Flew With A Bunch Of Balloons Strapped To Himself 27 Years Before Up

The Movie:

In Pixar’s Up, an old man ties thousands of balloons to his house and flies off to South America because, dammit, after that heart-wrenching opening, the last thing we needed was more reality.

“We also have talking dogs and giant birds coming right up, so stick around!”

The Reality:

OK, you’ll never actually get enough balloons to lift a whole house into the atmosphere. If you want to pull a stunt like this in the real world, you need to think smaller … even if that actually involves way more danger.

On July 2, 1982, Larry Walters became famous after he attached 42 weather balloons filled with helium to a garden-variety lawn chair, and took off into the wild blue yonder in his improbable contraption. This wasn’t a publicity stunt or anything — Walters was just some random dude who really wanted to soar through the sky but felt that flying lessons would cut too much into his “being a suicidal lunatic” time.

“Boy, this was easy. I can’t believe people made such a big deal about the Wright brothers.”

Walters’ plan was to lazily float up to about 30 feet, enjoy the view, and eventually land by shooting out the balloons with a BB gun. But due to a slight miscalculation, he used too many balloons and shot up to 16,000 feet (about three miles high). This put him in the direct path of passenger jets, two of which actually reported seeing a flying man on a chair while the control tower presumably penciled them in for a drug test.

“Yeah, right, Kevin. Last week it was a gremlin, and today it’s a guy in a chair.”

Larry eventually shot out several balloons and landed 90 minutes later by crashing into some power lines and causing a blackout. He was then immediately arrested on the basis of “You are … umm … look, we don’t know what this is, but there’s no way that whatever you just did is legal.”

#2. Corkey Fornof’s Insane Emergency Landing Was Directly Copied By A Bond Movie

The Movie:

In the opening scene from Octopussy, James Bond is flying a BD-5J microjet when his fuel warning light comes on. Bond then puts the plane down on a stretch of highway, parks at a gas station, and asks the stunned attendant to “Fill her up, please” because, believe it or not, there was a time when James Bond was allowed to have a sense of humor about him.

The Reality:

Professional Hollywood stunt pilot Corkey Fornof was flying a BD-5J microjet one day when his fuel warning light came on and he had to put the plane down on a stretch of highway. Fornof’s itty-bitty plane fortunately fit in a traffic lane, so he just coasted past astonished motorists, and switched lanes until he got off the highway and onto an access road.

Hey, a crash landing is no excuse to ignore traffic laws.

Fornof merrily careened through town until he slowed down and parked at a gas station, thoroughly confusing the attendant there. The similarities between that and Octopussy are no coincidence. Not only was the sequence explicitly based on Fornof’s real-life experience, but Fornof himself was the actual stunt pilot flying the BD-5J in Octopussy, meaning that, technically speaking, the most hilariously named James Bond movie is basically also a dramatized documentary.

#1. A Meteor Infects An Entire Town With A Mysterious Andromeda Strain-Like Illness

The Movie:

In the 1971 sci-fi classic The Andromeda Strain, a micrometeorite carrying an alien organism travels down to Earth on one of our satellites, where it immediately infects and kills a town full of people.

“Clearly, we need to build a giant wall around Earth” — President Trump.

The Reality:

The residents of a small Peruvian town near Lake Titicaca (which we are not ashamed to admit still sounds just as hilarious as when we were 12) were stunned when a goddamn meteor crashed nearby causing a massive explosion. The locals decided to walk on over to the mystery blast to check it out, which is basically how every sci-fi horror movie starts, and that’s pretty much what happened next as everyone who visited the crater started complaining of strange headaches and nausea.

Meanwhile, Hollywood was already working on The Andromeda Strain II — This Time It’s Peru-sonal.

In any movie, around now is when the real threat would emerge. The sick die and then come back to life! The virus was in reality just an advance attack by a UFO invasion’s landing party! The meteor contained a blob! You probably know that’s not how it played out, or else you’d have probably heard about it on the news by now.

A bunch of smart guys were called in to investigate and discovered that, in reality, the meteor had just hit a natural deposit of arsenic, throwing a bunch of vaporized death-dirt into the air, which was how everyone got sick. Or in other words: The illness was coming from inside our planet!

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5 Uncommon Health Tests To Ask Your Doctor About

Regular health screenings, such as a colonscopy or blood pressure reading, are key to detecting problems early before they lead to something serious. Yet Americans are surprisingly lax about getting recommended tests. Less than 25 percent of Americans ages 50 to 64 and less than half of those over age 65 are up to date on screenings. But, preventive services, including screenings, can save lives and promote well-being, says Lisa McGuire, Ph.D., an epidemiologist with the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta.   

Aside from the better-known, recommended tests (listed at the bottom of this piece), here are five less-common tests you should talk to your doctor about to see if you should be screened. 

1. C-Reactive Protein (CRP) People over 40 with certain risk factors (slightly elevated cholesterol, a large waistline, a family history of heart disease or being overweight) should get the blood test, which detects the presence of C-reactive proteinsindicators of inflammation in the body. According to the American Heart Association, high levels of C-reactive proteins double the likelihood of suffering cardiac arrest, compared to low levels. A test result greater than 3.0 milligram per liter (mg/L) suggests a higher risk for heart disease and heart attack.

2. Depression A depression screening may be in order if you are feeling unusually sad or hopeless and have lost interest in activities that once gave you pleasure for two weeks in a row. Your doctor can do a simple screeningessentially, having you respond to a series of questionsand refer you for treatment, if needed.  

3. Hepatitis C Test Everyone born between 1945 and 1965 should have a one-time blood test to detect this disease, which disproportionately affects the Baby Boomer generation. According to research, baby boomers are six times more likely to have Hepatitis C. Experts suggests this may be due to be risky behaviors like recreational drug use, which were prevalent in the 60s and 70s, as well as the fact that disposable needles were not available at that time for medical procedures and transfusions. As many as 75 percent of cases go undiagnosed, yet Hepatitis C can lead to liver damage, cirrhosis and cancer. Luckily there are now good treatments that are more effective and have fewer side effects than those of the past.

4. Thyroid-Stimulating Hormone (TSH) Women over 60 are prone to underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism). Although many doctors regularly test patients levels of the hormone to test the functioning of the thyroid gland, you should ask, particularly if you are symptoms, such as experiencing fatigue, increased sensitivity to cold, constipation, dry skin and unexplained weight gain. People with overactive thyroid (hyperthyroidism) experience rapid heart rate, nervousness, tremor and sweating. A result between 0.4 to 4.0 milli-international units per liter (mIU/L). 

5. Vitamin D A surprising number of Americans75 percent of teens and adultsare deficient in the sunshine vitamin, which not only helps keep bones and muscles strong but may help lower your risk for cancer and heart disease and bolster your immune system. Ask your doctor for a 25-hydroxy vitamin D blood test to determine how much vitamin D is in your body. Many experts recommend a level between 20 and 40 nanograms per milliliter (ng/ml). Others recommend a level between 30 and 50 ng/ml.

You should also be getting these standard recommended tests

Blood Pressure Get a blood pressure screening at least once every two years to detect hypertension, which could be a warning sign of coronary disease and other problems. A normal blood pressure reading is a systolic blood pressure of less than 120 and a diastolic blood pressure of less than 80. 

Cholesterol Men 35 and up and women 45 and up with heart disease risk factors, should have their cholesterol levels tested every five years. Doctors take a blood sample to assess levels of your total cholesterol and its components. Desirable levels of each:

  • Total cholesterol of less than 200 mg/dl. 
  • HDL (the good high-density lipoprotein) greater than or equal to 60 mg/dl.
  • Triglycerides less than 150 mg/dl 

Colonoscopy To catch colon or rectal cancer early, you need a flexible sigmoidoscopy every five years or a colonoscopy every 10 years from ages 50 to 75. Ask your doctor which test is right for you.

Mammogram (Women) Although theres some debate about when to start mammograms, women over 50 should have them regularly. The American Cancer Society recommends that Women age 45 to 54 get mammograms every year. Women 55 and older can switch to mammograms every 2 years, or can continue yearly screening. Screening should continue as long as a woman is in good health and expected to live 10 or more years.

Pap Test (Women) You should get a Pap smear every three years to test for cervial cancer. If you get a Pap smear coupled with an HPV test, which detects the strains of the virus strongly linked to cervical cancer, however, you can delay screening to every five years. After 65, you no longer need the test if results in the ten years prior were normal, according to the American Cancer Society.

Bone Density Scan (Women) Women should get a bone density test using dual-energy x-ray absorptiometry (DXA), an advanced x-ray technology, at age 65 to look for signs of the bone-thinning disease osteoporosis.  The test results in a T score, which indicates the amount of bone you have compared to a young woman with peak bone mass, and is used to estimate your risk of a fracture. A score above -1 is considered normal; a score between -1 and -2.5 is classified as osteopenia (low bone mass), and a score below -2.5 is considered osteoporosis. 

Prostate Exam (Men) Starting at age 50, men should talk to their health care provider about the pros and cons of having their blood tested for levels of prostate-specific antigen, or PSA, which may indicate the presence of prostate cancer.  


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5 Common Insults That Reveal Dark Things About Society

Did you know that “Texas” is a slang term for “crazy” in Norway? As in, “Put down the nunchucks, Sven! No need to get Texas in here!” They’ve been using it that way for decades, and it’s weird to think that a thousand years from now, it’s possible that word will still be around even if nobody using it remembers that the state was even a thing.

It’s kind of a dick move, if you think about it, to have your entire proud history get turned into a mocking term that might outlive you. But lots of the language you use every day came about like this — some group of people turning a petty grudge or classist insult into an everyday word, until it gets baked into the language itself. Like …

#5. “Idiot” Started As A Slur Against Common Folk

You probably have heard that, once upon a time, you could go to the doctor and get diagnosed as an “idiot.” It used to be the clinical term for someone with a low IQ (along with “moron”), and it only fell out of favor after the public started using it as an insult a few decades ago. But if you go back further, you’ll find an even bigger dick move at play.

“Idiot” comes from the Greek word idios, meaning personal or private, a connotation that still survives in words such as “idiosyncrasy.” So, originally, an idiot was simply a private individual — maybe, but not necessarily, because he couldn’t figure out how the doorknob worked and was trapped in his home.

Meanwhile, the origins of your mom being like a doorknob because everyone gets a turn are quite clear.

In ancient Greece, the term grew to be applied to the “common man” — in other words, a private citizen, as opposed to someone holding a public office. (You read that right: In the good old days, there were no idiots in politics.) Of course, back then an ordinary person was almost always also an uneducated person. You see where this is headed. It wasn’t long until the upper crust started extending the term from laypeople in general to “those stupid laypeople,” and from there it was only a hop, skip, and a jump to Halfwit City, population: you.

And thus a whole history of snide class warfare worms its way into our schoolyard insults. It’d be like if you traveled to the year 3515 and saw doctors diagnosing low-IQ types as “NASCAR fan” or “flies coach.”

#4. “Prude” Was A Compliment Twisted To Shame Women Who Didn’t Want To Have Sex

In a country where you can’t show a female nipple on broadcast TV for fear it will scandalize the public’s delicate minds, it’s still an insult to be called a prude. It paints a picture of an uptight, obnoxious person who insists that even possessing genitals is only for those who lack both shame and class.

But if you were to hop in a time machine and burn rubber back to Old France, you could call a woman a prude and you’d actually be paying her a compliment. The word made its way to English from the French prudefemme, meaning a brave, virtuous, or proud woman. If you’re just now noticing that “prude” and “proud” look awfully similar, that’s because they once shared a similar meaning. They’re dictionary friends!

But the word had a rough trip across the English Channel. While it arrived in early-18th-century England all starry-eyed and retaining the gist of its original meaning, it didn’t take long for dudes in fancy knee breeches to turn it into an insult. Soon, a prude was a woman who was afraid of being seduced. And then it was an older woman who (knowing that the cobwebs dangling from her funbits made seduction unlikely) became overly pious. And finally it meant a woman who most definitely wanted the D but pretended not to for the sake of appearances.

“No D for me, thanks!”

So basically some women were too proud to sleep with some skeevy dudes, so those dudes got their revenge by twisting the word to imply that pride is a shitty thing to have. Isn’t language fascinating?

#3. “Dunce” Is A Smart Guy’s Name Turned Into An Insult By People Who Disagreed With Him

The goal of every political movement is to turn their opponents’ cause into a dirty word. Once upon a time, “Communist” was just a statement of party affiliation; now it’s a slur. We guess the same thing happened to “Nazi” (OK, often the groups do it to themselves). Well, once upon a time a movement just decided to target the leader of the other side and use his name to mean “stupid” until everybody started doing it.

The word “dunce” originates from one John Duns Scotus, considered one of the most brilliant men of his time. He was an influential 13th-century philosopher, lecturer, and theologian so famous for his sharp mind and complex arguments that he was known as “the Subtle Doctor.” That doesn’t mean he was particularly delicate when performing a prostate exam — it means he was renowned for his intricate and nuanced views on just about everything. His followers came to be known as Dunsmen, and for two centuries they taught his doctrines at Europe’s most illustrious universities.

He also founded the Crips.

So how did the term come to be a polite form of “dipshit”? Well, Duns lived toward the tail end of what we now call the Dark Ages, and by the 16th century much of Europe was getting its Renaissance on. The Dunsmen (or, by then, simply Dunses) were resistant to what they called the “new learning,” and this earned them the scorn of Europe’s new generation of brainiacs, who thought them foolish for sticking by tradition. By the 17th century, the name Duns had become the noun “dunce.” It’s a bit like sarcastically calling an idiot “Einstein,” but if we totally forgot who Einstein was and his name became synonymous with people so stupid they need three tries to clap.

“It’s ’cause he had paws, right?”

That guy died in 1308, by the way. They were so effective at mocking his way of thinking that his name still means “dumbass” more than 700 years later.

#2. An “Amateur” Was Once More Respected Than A “Professional”

If you Google “amateur” today … well, let’s face it: There’s really only one reason you’d be searching for “amateur” on the Internet, and it ain’t to enroll in your local nonprofessional kite-flying tournament.

“Man, look at that configuration; it’s barely legal.”

We hear “amateur,” and if our minds don’t immediately jump to “diddler,” they jump to “dabbler.” If there’s a disastrous screw-up at work, the office blowhard will shout something like, “What are you, a bunch of amateurs?” or, “What is this, amateur hour?” or, “Can we please act like professionals for once?” The message is clear: If you’re not getting paid, you’re not to be taken seriously.

However, the amateur of a few centuries ago was far from the casual hobbyist we picture today. Originally French, deriving from the Latin amare, an amateur was a person who pursued an activity for love as opposed to filthy, filthy lucre. Said activity might be in the field of art — France’s Royal Academy of Painting and Sculpture awarded the “amateur honoraire” status to honorary experts or consultants — or even in math, philosophy, or science. In fact, we’d be willing to bet you’ve heard of a little amateur scientist by the name of Charles goddamn Darwin.

Amateurs could afford to eschew payment for their efforts because they tended to be gentlemen who already had Scrooge McDuck vaults to swim in. They even went so far as to argue that the introduction of payment would insult their dignity and sully their noble pursuits — when lowborn scientist Richard Owen told a countess in 1865 that he received a salary, she reportedly “recoiled in horror.”

Although ol’ Richy Rape Eyes might have gotten that reaction a lot.

But science was undergoing a period of professionalization, and the gentlemen amateurs suddenly found themselves rubbing shoulders with clever upstarts who actually wanted to, you know, make a living. The upstarts closed ranks and began attacking the amateurs’ work and methods, eventually succeeding in convincing people that if you’re not getting paid for your work, you shouldn’t be taken as seriously as someone who is. And then, in our modern day, we tied the word to porn, so generations from now it’ll just mean “somebody that likes to fuck in poorly lit conditions.”

Hey, speaking of which …

#1. “Hussy” Was A Term For A Respectable Female, Corrupted To Degrade Poor Women

It says quite a bit about us that we seem to have more slang words for “promiscuous female” than we do for “aggressive, violent male.” And while these days everyone prefers “slut” or something much worse, you can still occasionally hear people of a certain age throw around the word “hussy.”

So, what, was there some infamous female back in the day with the last name “Hussy”? Maybe she banged a king and his entire royal court? Nope — it’s derived from “housewife.” Turn back the timeline just a few short centuries, and a “husewif” was the word for “female head of the house.” Middle English speakers decided that “husewif” was a bit awkward to say, though, so they shortened it to “hussy.” At the time, it was a respectable term referring to women who “stayed home, raised the kids, milked the cows, and did as they were told.”

The definition of “respectable” may have evolved a bit over the years as well.

Anyway, around the turn of the 17th century, the word broadened in meaning. Suddenly, any woman could be called a hussy — she didn’t have to be a housewife or even married. As should come as no surprise by this point in the article, any shred of dignity once attached to the word was soon swept right out of the kitchen when class distinctions came into play. Elitists — whose sole form of attack so far appears to be “make a word mean something shitty” — began using the term in reference not to women in general but to women who’d made the baffling life choice of being poor.

“Maybe you should have been born better, idiot!”

The negative evolution continued into the 18th century when, in addition to the unforgivable traits of being both female and destitute, immorality got tossed into the mix. And when it came to women in the 18th century, “immoral” basically meant one thing: sex. And that’s how we ended up where we are today, where calling a lady an old-timey term for “homemaker” merits a swift kick to your nether-regions.

Yeah, you’ve heard the saying “History is written by the victors”? Well, we’re pretty sure that language is written by the assholes.

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Twitter roasts Steph Curry’s hideous new Under Armour shoes

Unanimous NBAMVP Steph Curry has been pretty lackluster in the finals. Given the Golden State Warriors‘ unwavering dominance and record-setting season, it’s a bit surprising to see him sputter and falter in this critical match-up.

Turns out some seriously shitty footwear may be to blamethe kind of shoes that make you want to drill out all your tennis balls and start stockpiling walkers or learn how to install a new garage door opener.

Meet the newly unveiled Under Armour Curry 2 Low “Chef” kicks. They’re hideous.

Shoe enthusiasts over at Sneakernews have rated the bland chefs a paltry 2.6 out of 5. And Twitter has had a field day roasting these kicks to a crisp.

Dad jokes are plentiful, given a father’s desire for comfort, zero style, and the utmost embarrassment of their child.

Perhaps Under Armour is eying that sweet Father’s Day cash. Maybe Curry is just that unfashionable. Riley is probably already having nightmares about these lows, begging her mom to make their $3.2 million house a shoeless palace.

For the love of your child, your fans, and the game, please take off the early bird specials, Curry. At least until the finals are over.

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50 Nurses And Doctors Spill The Most Insane Answers Theyve Ever Heard When Asking About Sexual History

1. Busted

“I signed in a sixteen year-old girl who told the doctor ‘I can’t be in labor–I’ve never had sex’ as she gives her Dad a ‘please don’t kill me’ look. Ah, family moments.”

2. Messianic Pregnancies Are Common

“This happened recently at my work. Teen girl presents with abdominal pain and swears up and down that there is no way for her to be pregnant. Doc orders tests and as the lab is drawing blood, the mother asks the doc what he thinks it could be. The doc said ‘well if she claims she couldn’t be pregnant, she might have some kind of tumor or mass growing in her abdomen.’ Haha I love that Doc.

After lab results come back, it appears she is actually pregnant. Ultrasound is ordered and shows a baby that is well developed. Mom is ordered to leave the room and a vaginal exam confirms that her abdominal pain is definitely contractions from active labor.

Patient is still saying that it’s impossible. Doc orders mom from the room and goes in to tell her that no matter what she is trying to say, right now it’s time to grow the fuck up because you are going to be a mother in a few hours.”

3. Eight Times A Day

“From my time as an Army medic in Germany, circa 2003.

Had a guy report to sick call with ‘personal’ filled out on his sick call slip. Ninety nine percent of the time, this means STD or something wrong with the reproductive bits.

I was the fortunate one to pull his chart for screening. I got him into the exam room, got him to verbalize exactly what ‘personal’ reason he was in the aid station for. It was sores on his penis.


I start prepping the culture swab, and continue getting the history. How long he had the sores, when he last had sex, any burning or irritation while urinating.

Wait, you haven’t had sex? What about sexual contact, to include oral, anal, genital on genital?

What the fuck are the sores from? . How much?

Our PA ended up sending him back with a profile to his chain of command prohibiting masturbation more than once a day.”

4. A Rough Encounter

“Patient came in for difficulty with walking due to pain. When pressed, he admitted that he had someone forearm deep in him a week prior from a rough encounter. Sent him to a specialist, turns out his pubic symphysis was inflamed and might have a stress fracture. Oddly, when results were given to him, he made it clear that it was worth it.”

5.Hazard Of The Profession

“As a Med student in an STD clinic in Miami I asked a lady how many sexual partners she had. ‘Honey, I get paid to fuck. I got no clue.’ She got all the antibiotics.”

6. It All Started With Stacy…

“My favorite was this young guy maybe in his twenties, comes in and on the form he circled the ‘sexual history’ part drew an arrow to the back. Then on the back it read ‘it all began back in the eighth grade with Stacy…’ He continued on to fill half the page up with his sexual history.

I’m pretty sure he did it only because he had to wait so long.”

7. A Virgin’s Aspirations

“When I was thirteen I responded ‘yes’ when the nurse asked me if I was sexually active. She then asked when was the last time I had sex to which I uncomfortably answered that I have never had sex.

I thought masturbation counted.”

8. Selina

“Navy Hospital Corpsman here. After my ship pulled into Cyprus for a 3 day liberty port, I had a line about 10 people deep of sailors and marines in medical looking to see the doc. The first two presented with the same discharge and swelling and stuff (turned out to be a rather nasty clap/chlamydia combo) and when I dove deeper I found out they went to the same brothel. A little deeper and found they even saw the same girl. So 4 people in, same deal. When the next one walked in all I asked, with raised eyebrows ‘Selina?’ (supposed lady’s name) And with a subtle and ashamed confirmatory nod they sat on the table ready for the dreaded bore punch. 5/9 people I treated that day went to the same lady.”

9. Self Diagnosis

“During my clinicals in school, I had an ER rotation.

Now, I like the ER, it’s exciting and you see some really weird shit.

I was baptized in the weird-shit puddle by a fourteen year-old chick who came in with abdominal pain.

So my preceptor (this was early in clinicals) is doing his thing and asking medical history, when he asks her if she was sexually active. She says yes, preceptor asks last sexual encounter (thinking something was up), to which she responds ‘right before I came here.’

So, preceptor asks if she can describe the nature of her pain.

She says yes.

‘It’s probably from the cucumber in my ass.’

You fucking whut?

Turns out, she had a cucumber in her ass.”

10. Doesn’t Exactly Inspire Confidence

“I was in active labor, pushing a tiny human being from my body, when a well-meaning medical student asked me if I had any history of sexual activity.”

11. A Wife’s Revenge

“My wife works in a hospital. She told me a story about a patient that presented with constipation (three days) and rectal pain. An examination found he had a rotting cucumber up his ass, which he claimed no knowledge of. Turns out he was not lying.

He had recently returned from an extended trip away from home during which he had contracted a venereal disease, which he had passed along to his wife following his return. Rather than confront him with his misdeeds, his wife decided to go straight to retribution. So she drugged his dinner one night, then administered the coup de concombre, so to speak.

Of all the possible visuals that come to mind when I think of this story, the one that I enjoy most is the wife, at the store, picking out the cucumber. ‘Yeah, this is the one…’”

12. A Simple Misunderstanding

“‘When was your last prostate exam?’

‘I don’t have one.’

‘They removed it?’

‘No I have a vagina.’

‘Oh. Ohhhhh.’”

13. Yes, Yes They Do

“A woman came in with inflammation of the vulva and when I asked about her sexual history, she said ‘do dildos count?’”

14. “Dried Up For Years”

“Not a nurse but a former phlebotomist/health historian for the largest blood collection organization. One of donors was an older lady. Maybe early 70’s. There were 5-10 sexual history questions in a row. In the middle of them she blurts out, ‘Hhoney, I’ve been dried up for years. Nobody has been diggin in this for a long time.’”

15. You Just Never Know Who’s Freaky

“I’m a doctor and not a nurse, but the funniest example of this I’ve experienced was being ripped into by my attending back in medschool for asking a detailed sexual history on an elderly woman. Her husband and my attending were also in the exam room at the time. My attending had known them for the past 15 years and this couple had been married for like 50. After my attending stopped mocking me for, “asking about all that new crazy stuff, I’ve known Mr. and Mrs. X for years!” the patient proceeded to tell me that she and her husband were swingers and she had multiple male and female partners into her 70s. I wish I could have taken a picture of his face at that moment and hung it on my wall forever.”

16. Gotta Keep Active

‘I worked in a medical call center and had to survey patients taking certain drugs. We asked if they were sexually active (company was worried about libido-inhibiting side effects).

Best answer I heard was ‘Yes, but don’t tell my spouse.’”

17. A Memorable Trip To The Strip Club

“Army Combat Medic here, one guy came in with a very swollen eye that had been getting worse. As it turns out, the guy went to a fully nude strip club Saturday night and had a great time with the women there. So much fun, that one stripper shoved her snatch in his eager face. The next day, his eye was puffy, by Monday morning sick call, it was so swollen he couldn’t open his eye, and the erythema and edema was spreading over that half of his face. It was pretty jarring to look at.

PA sent him for emergency surgery, and this is where I arrive at the point of this story. After draining his eye and flushing it, they looked for any particulate that could have caused the irritation… and they found a crab.

Well, the stripper had crabs, so when she shoved dudes face into her vagina, some crabs took a journey into his eye and got stuck beneath his eyelid.

It was this guy’s first time going to a strip club too, but it sure as fuck wasn’t his last.”

18. Best. Description. Ever.

“When I was in nursing school we had these questionnaire things we had to ask our patients for homework. Most of the questions were pretty simple and basic like family medical history or what current medication they were taking etc etc etc and it was designed to get us used to asking questions and to begin to develop rapport with the patient. Well since this was my first year of nursing school I was still felt little awkward asking the ‘sex questions’ and was nervous when I came around to these questions when interviewing an 85 year old man whose wife was sitting right next to him. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: So..umm sir some of these next questions may be a bit personal and if you are too uncomfortable answering them you can just tell me and we can move on.

Internal me: (please be uncomfortable oh please oh please oh please)

Him: Sure! Go ahead. You need to know all this stuff for your career! Ask away!

Internal me: (Damn…)

Usually there were 5 or 6 questions that i would ask but today I could only get past this one question.

Me: OK sir. Are you and your wife still sexually active?

Him: (Looks up at me, then the ceiling, then to his wife and says) ‘sweetie? How would you describe our sex life?

Wife (without missing a beat): Oh probably that you jumped on a wild hog at the ripe age of 19 and are still hanging on for dear life. (then she leans closer to me and whispers) I try to buck him off every night but he keeps hanging on (then she winks).

I almost died of laughter. Best response ever.”

19. It Tastes Different

“My Doctor told me a story once… a bit off topic here but awe well.. Back when they first started performing Vasectomy’s, Doctors had to call their patients back for standard followup questioning a number of weeks after the procedure. He told me he got the same answers from all of the couples he interviewed. Any Sensation change? -No, Any performance Change? – No… etc. this went on and on… until one day, he asked a couple if there were anything different after the procedure. Any changes at all…. The wife said YES… There is a huge difference since he had the surgery. My Doc was very surprised and when he inquired further the wife said… ‘It tastes different’… O-o He said it was all he could do to keep from laughing as he made the note of “Seminal fluid tastes different after procedure.’”

20. Semen Allergy

“Not a doc, but when I went to my allergist to discuss an allergy to semen be had to ask me very in depth questions about each encounter. I had to tell an old kind man about how my boyfriend’s cum turned my face red and itchy.”

21. Can’t Be Pregnant, No Sex For Six Months…

“I was around 8 months pregnant and working as an ER nurse. I had a very round, beach ball-esque obviously pregnant belly going on. A woman came in with the chief complaint of lower abdominal pain that came in waves, and also reported experiencing a clear liquid discharge that she said felt like she peed her pants, but point-blank denied being pregnant (she had a big sweatshirt and jacket on at first). She came back to me and changed into her gown with me in the room, and clearly she was visibly pregnant, and my immediate suspicion was that she was in labor. I point-blank asked if she was pregnant and she looked at me bewildered and stated she couldn’t be because she hadn’t had sex ‘in over six months.’ I asked her when the last time she was sexually active, and she reported “sometime in September,” which was sometime around my own date of conception. Being that she’s not grasping it yet, I point to her belly and then my own and say “how long has your belly looked like my belly?” My hope is it would kind of be a “look in the mirror” wake up call, but it didn’t work. She said she had just been feeling “bloated” over the last few months. She didn’t believe she was pregnant until the ER resident did a bedside ultrasound to find the baby’s heart rate. She was in labor, and went upstairs to L&D. Oh, and she had her ten year old daughter with her.”

22. Touche’

“My friend answered his doctor once by just saying ‘I go to an engineering school.’”

23. Infected Penis Wound

“So I was taking care of a guy who had an infected wound on his penis. He didn’t get it checked out right away, picked at it and tried to take care of it without having to see a doc, because of course that’s embarrassing to a lot of people. Finally he realized things were not going well and he ended up admitted to the hospital with a horrible wound. Bad enough a surgeon had to go in, remove some dead tissue, and we, the nurses, got to change the dressing twice a day. This wound was the type that had to have gauze placed in the wound bed, called “packing”. It’s painful and uncomfortable for patients no matter where the wound is, but you can imagine how this poor fellow felt about it.

He told his doc he wasn’t sexually active. So the first night I take care of him, as I’m doing the dressing change, I ask him if he has any questions. Eventually he’ll go home and have to do that himself, so while doing wound care I typically narrate what I’m doing and make sure patients can ask questions. Because of the nature of this wound, I had pre-medicated him with some IV narcotic, so he was a little loopy.

He tells me he just can’t figure out why he has this wound. So I start going through some standard questions. Do you have any other infected wounds, are you around anyone who has infected wounds. Come to discover, he had been regularly getting some hand jobs from a gal who was a meth head and who had some open wounds on her face and forearms. I told him that’s where he likely got it from, and he responded “but I wasn’t rubbing my dick on her arms or her face!”

So I said ‘no, but she probably touched or picked at those sores before she jerked you off. If she didn’t wash her hands well between touching her sores and giving you a hand job, she spread those germs to you.’ He had no clue. He had no idea he should have included this information in his sexual history, and he had no practical understanding of how germs are spread.

But please remember the entire scene. I’ve got this guy’s penis in my gloved hand, cleaning and packing this bad wound that doesn’t smell great, has a little yucky drainage, and I’m discussing jerking off and hand jobs. Im down within a foot or so of his penis, because his wound tunnels a bit and I’ve got to use a Q-tip and delicately stuff this gauze tape into a sensitive area. I’m a moderately attractive gal about his age. I wasn’t embarrassed, I’m a matter of fact sort of person and I wanted this guy to understand how to take care of himself and stay clean. He wasn’t embarrassed, he really wanted to understand and he was also high on fentanyl. But it was a little absurd and made me laugh in retrospect, because I assume most people don’t handle other people’s genitals or talk about hand jobs at work.”

24. A History Unlike Any Other

“‘Encyclopedic’ was the reluctant response a nurse friend once told me she received from the wife of a well known local Baptist minister. She was well into her 70’s and had recently celebrated her and her husband’s 50th wedding anniversary. When asked to clarify, she admitted to being unfaithful to her husband with over 1000 men, and several hundred women. Her most recent escapade had been the previous day.”

25. I Think Most Can Relate

“When I would donate plasma one question was ‘have you ever had sex in exchange for money or drugs?’ I replied ‘no just, attention.’ The nurse laughed so hard she had to excuse her self for a minute or too.”

26. The One Kind Of Birth Control That’s 100% Effective

“Paramedic here. I once asked a 20 year old female with abdominal pain:

ME:’Are you sexually active?’
HER: ‘Yes’
ME: ‘Any chance you’re pregnant?’
HER: ‘Absolutely not, I could never be pregnant.’
ME: ‘Not all birth control is 100% effective.’
HER: ‘Mine is.’
ME: ‘What kind of birth control is it?’
HER: ‘Um…lesbianism.’”

27. “Not That Kind Of Discharge, Sir”

“Medical school in Philadelphia. I was in surgery clinic and going through the ‘review of systems’ and like any good med student covering every system possible as I was seeing this 72 year old African American guy. ‘Any discharge from your penis sir?’ With a smile, he exclaims ‘Not in about 12 years!’ Took me half a second then I cracked up and said, ‘not that kind sir, but you’re hilarious.’”

28. You’re Obviously Miscarrying

“My friend called a nurse hotline because she was having horrible, horrible menstrual cramps.

‘You must be having a miscarriage,’ they said.
‘I really don’t think so.’ she replied.
‘Are you sexually active?’ they asked.
‘Yes, yes I am.’ she said.
‘Well, then you are obviously having a miscarriage.’ they insisted.
‘I’m a lesbian.’ replied my friend.
‘Oh. Well. Would you like to speak to one of our LGBT staff?’”

29. Outlook Favorable

“I gave a new gyno one of her favorite responses to ‘Currently sexually active?’ I had recently started seeing someone so we weren’t quite there yet so I said ‘Outlook favorable.’”

30. She Was Very Religious

“Not a nurse but I work in a hospital and this story was too great to pass up telling. so I watch cardiac monitors for a living. we had this 18-21 yr old female don’t remember exactly age. But she was in for asthma problems and we also watch O2. So apparently this girl was from a very religious family and told the nurses and doctors that no she was not sexually active and never has been. She was going to a local college and was brought in by someone who we were told was her ‘cousin’.

She gets admitted. About 230 in the morning her heart rate goes up to like the 150s- 160s and her O2 us at like 85% (that’s really bad for a anyone when they are supposed to be asleep and at rest). So I get up and run to go check on the patient turns out her cousin stayed the night. So here I come bursting into this room with like two nurses while this girl is like eyeballs deep on her ‘cousin’s’ penis and when the door bursts open and the lights go on he got startled jumped forward and causes her to immediately vomit all over him. I turn to the nurses and say ‘well at least it wasn’t a cardiac event’ and leave so I could fall to the floor laughing. And I believe the she checked out soon after that.”

31. How Do You Make The Sex?

“I worked in an infertility clinic. We had a young couple who came to the clinic to get pregnant. We could not find a cause for their infertility: both were young and in text book perfect health. We brought them in to give them the test results (all infertility investigations were normal) and to give them the treatment plan. The nurse saw them first and came out with an odd look. She said ‘just trust me on this, but you need to go tell them about the birds and the bees’ I was all WTF and she said ‘it’s just a gut feeling I have.’ So I did. I prefaced my talk by saying ‘I’m going to tell you some information. Please save your questions till I’m done.’ Then I gave them detailed and explicit instructions on what they needed to do to do it. Both looked shocked at first, then deeply embarrassed. Neither met my eye and both left the clinic without another word. Next visit: pregnant. I do not know what they were doing to this day but all’s well that ends well.”

32. Well, There It Is

“I had to ask an 80 yr old patient about her form of birth control. Her answer: my age.”

33. “Feeding The Baby”

“My wife was working her OB/GYN rotation when a pregnant woman, who already had three kids and a master’s degree in something, quietly asked the doctor after her husband had left: ‘Dr. my husband tells me that when we’re, y’know, intimate, that he’s feeding the baby. I feel stupid for asking, but is that true?’

The doc must have really ruined that husband’s life. I just imagine the husband using this line: ‘Well, honey, I don’t wanna do it anymore than you do, but we gotta feed that baby.’”

34. The Hairbrush

“As a student, I was working in a rural underserved community hospital and had a 13 year old patient come in with her mom for ‘vaginal smell’ which she said people noticed at school. I then preceded to ask about sexual history (patient gave me permission to ask in front of parent). I asked if she was sexually active and she said ‘no.. well with my hair brush.’

Mom seemed to have been well aware of this and then began describing her daughters vaginal smell as well as discharge in great detail.”

35. Mishearing The Question

“Ex girlfriend got sprained ankle playing soccer, got asked if she was sexually active at hospital, except she didn’t hear the ‘sexually’ part, so she thought she was asked ‘are you active?’ She answered, ‘of course I’m active, how do you think I hurt my ankle?’”

36. Doctor Pity

“I recently went to the doctor. She was a rather young female doctor, likely late 30’s. I’m 24. She asked me if I was sexually active, and I told her no, and that’ I’ve never had sex. She proceeded to give me the look my mom used to give me when I was a kid, when I used to fall on my ass pretending to be Superman around the house. That look of pity, mixed with a little bit of amusement.

It didn’t help that she began telling me (instead reminding me of what precautions I should take or the benefits of safe sex, which would’ve been the safe thing to do), how surprised she was someone like me went through all of college not having sex, how she greatly admires my ability to remain abstinent, how I will definitely lose it to a nice girl someday, and that more guys need to be like me.

Yeah, as if that look she gave me before she said all that wasn’t awkward enough.”

37. A Strong Argument For Sex Ed

“(Mother is Nurse. This was her answer) A man in his mid 20’s came to the hospital ER with several complaints (she can’t recall exactly what they were but they called for inquiring about sexual history). She asked if he had ever been diagnosed with an STD and he said ‘No’. She asked him if he was on any medication and he said ‘No’. She went on to prepare to draw his blood and she typically doesn’t put on gloves until she’s ready to insert the needle bc bare fingers make it easier to feel veins. He then says “I hope you’re going to wear gloves. I was diagnosed with HIV a few months back. One night stand.”

At first she thought he was nervous about needles and making bad jokes to compensate (very common) but when she looked at him he was dead serious. She said ‘You told me you’d never been diagnosed with an STD’ to which he replied ‘I have HIV, not STD!’

My mother decided it was the doc’s job to explain that one, but then asked ‘You said you weren’t on any medications, but your doctor must have you on meds for the HIV, right?’ His response? ‘Well I was for a few weeks but they made me feel sick. I’m waiting until I feel sick from the HIV before I go back on them.’

As unprofessional as it was my mother instinctively rolled her eyes bc she just didn’t know where to even begin with this guy. Before going to fetch the doctor she asked one more question, ‘Are you using protection every time you have sex?’ Response ‘Yup. Last 2 girls I slept with were on the pill. I’m not stupid, I don’t want a baby with HIV.’

Needless to say the doctor had a LONG, basic sex-ed talk with him and my mother spent almost an hour on the phone with the Health Dept just trying to convince them this guy was for real and getting them the info they needed to inform his poor partners.”

38. A Good Story Is Born

“I had my family GP ask me (about 16) if I was sexually active while in the middle of giving me a testicular exam. I responded with ‘depends, does this count?’

He laughed really hard, my balls still in hand. He finished up, went outside, and I immediately heard him telling all of the nurses.”

39. Just Really Gross

“I was working at a public urgent care clinic in a lower income area and had a guy tell me he had a vacation in the Philippines that was basically a gay sex vacation with prostitutes.

His main issue was that since then he had experienced a ‘tickling’ sensation over his butt hole and I sort of dismissed the guy as crazy in my head just by his mannerisms and dress.

Sure enough, he said that he read it could be pinworm which can be diagnosed by placing a piece of scotch tape on the anus and seeing what sticks to it.

Guess what happened next? He pulled the tape out of his pocket and there were dead worms, pubes and ‘stuff’ on it. That was a horrible but memorable patient encounter.”

40. The Next Thing You Know…

“There was this husband and wife combo in the exam room for an STD complaint. Taking the history from the husband I had to ask how he contracted the possible disease. He goes, ‘It was the funniest thing. I was getting a massage then the next thing you know this guy is fucking me in the ass.’ The wife left the room she was so angry, I took my note and left.”

41. The Cocaine May Have Still Been In His System

“Emergency nurse here. Most favorite happened only a few weeks ago. A very good looking clean man in a suit came in with a 10inch dildo up his butt. Like very high up his rectum. It was one of those dildos with a ball sack attached and this guy has the whole thing even the balls up there….. It seems him and his girlfriend took a shit ton of cocaine then decided to ‘play’. I had to ask him why it seemed like a good idea to put it there and his response was “it was like everest the attempt had to be made for the good of man kind”. The cocaine might still have been in his system. Anyway I learnt lots of this that day such as silicone can be seen on x-ray and the inside of the rectum is negative pressure. The doctor could get his hand up there but the pressure he couldn’t actually pull it out….. Few enemas and pushing later it was far enough down that the doctor could help this man give his to a bright neon blue ‘baby.’”

42. Sexual History Revealed

“I went to an Urgent Care once with my girlfriend (now ex) and since we both had the same sore throat we just sat in on each other’s appointments. Midway through the nurse pulled me into the hallway and told me she had come in with a different guy the day before getting treatment for scabies. It was true. She had been cheating on me and got busted by the nurse.”

43. Mom Jokes

“While trying to diagnose abdominal pain-
‘Any risky sexual behavior?’
‘Ma’am I’m 25 and I have 2 kids, I consider any sex quite risky.’”

44. Grandpa’s Still Got It

“Not a nurse, but used to work at a hospital. Best I ever heard was:

‘Tell me about your sexual history.’ ‘Well, I’ve never been great at history, but I’m picking up some sexual in this room.’

Doctor was a cute, mid 20’s female, patient was an almost 80 year old man. It was creepy, awesome, and hilarious all at once.”

45. A Blatant Liar

“Syphilis story time! Pull up a chair, kids.

Guy (ostensibly straight, married, monogamous) comes to clinic with his very upset wife. He has braces on his teeth. His orthodontist saw him earlier in the week for some concerning oral lesions. I give the orthodontist lots of credit here: he was the one who tested the patient for syphilis in the first place, and bingo, came up positive.

Now, syphilis does not come from the syphilis fairy. It’s transmitted through sex (or being born to someone with syphilis), and requires contact with the contagious lesions (chancre in the primary stage, or oral/genital lesions in the secondary stage). This guy’s mouth lesions are what are known as mucous patches. He also had a healing chancre in his mouth. The chancre forms at the place where the syphilis bacteria enters the body. So, pretty clearly, guy contracted this during oral sex that he performed on somebody.

Where we live, syphilis is found almost exclusively among men who have sex with men. Like, almost zero cases here in people who have vaginas. So I highly doubt that dude got this from his wife (who is also swearing she has no other sexual partners, and by the fact that she is bawling and very angry at her husband, I am quite inclined to believe her). Basically, I see no way in my medical judgment that dude could get this from anything besides sucking dick.

But we always ask a thorough history, so instead of writing him off as a down-low dude who is cheating on his wife, I ask him:

‘Sir, can you tell me how you got syphilis?’

What I get next I could not make up, not ever, no matter how hard I might try.

Dude tells me that one night he is riding the bus home from work. He’s minding his own business when a group of teenagers on the bus proceed to start shit with him. Calling him names, inviting him to fight them, etc. My patient feels that it’s relevant to tell me what race the kids are (clearly not the same race he is, and he needs to tell me this several times). Apparently the situation with the teenagers escalates and they stand up and approach him. One of the kids gets up in his face…

And kisses him.

Not punches him, not spits on him, and definitely not sticks his dick in Guy’s mouth. Just kisses him, and runs off the bus.

Now, unless this kiss lasted a looooooong time, and his alleged assailant sucked on his lips for a good chunk of time, there is no fucking way this is how dude contracted syphilis.

But as a health care provider, my job is to ally with my patient and to provide him with care. So I hold my tongue, resist the urge to tell this guy that he is a blatant fucking liar, and provide him with the appropriate course of treatment for his syphilis. Oh, and test him for everything else, because I don’t trust this motherfucker AT ALL. And apparently he thinks I am stupid too, because he told me this story in full.

Did I mention that his wife is trying to get pregnant with him? And they’ve been having sex regularly since the time he got infected? And now she also has syphilis?

I don’t know what happened with the two of them, but I sure hope she left him. He’s a piece of shit.

Anyway. I’m poly and queer myself, and I have absolutely no problem, personally, with someone having multiple partners of any gender. My problem here is the fact dude is lying. To his wife as well as to his healthcare provider. Sigh.

There you have it. My best story about STDs!”

46. The Love Board

“I had a very large woman that had a slivers of wood in her skin that were starting to get infected and when asked about the slivers, she replied ‘That is from my love board.’

‘What is a love board?’ I asked…

‘That is the board that my husband uses to push up my fat so that we can have sex.’


47. The Two Bottle Rule

“Obligatory “not me but” (I was in the room). GF goes in for intestinal pain. Very patient middle-aged Doc asks standard questions:

‘Sexually active?’ – GF: Yep ‘Frequently’ – GF: Yep ‘ok…Anal sex?’ GF: ‘After two bottles of wine Doc anything goes.’

Laughs ensue. If he was white I’d say the doctor was blushing.”

48. Doc Disapproves

“Worst joke I ever made during a physical exam for football:

Doctor: ‘What’s your sexual history?’
Me: ‘Mostly 5’s and 6’s. I had a 7 once.’

He did not laugh. He just looked at me with a frown.”

49. Rough TP

“Guy comes into the ED complaining of rectal bleeding. Pretty standard. I get blood from him and assist the doc as he performs a rectal exam. Doc doesn’t notice any hemorrhoids but notes some light tearing typical with a patient wiping too hard. Tells the patient to chill out on the TP. Patient responds, ‘Yea, my TP is pretty rough.’

A few hours later the patient has a male visitor. I introduce myself and ask who the visitor is and how he knows the patient. Patient looks at me and says, ‘This is the TP I was telling you about earlier.’

Took me a minute to understand what he was saying, then had to excuse myself from the room as I could no longer remain professional.”

50. Old People Are The Sauciest

“Nursing student here. My new all time favorite happened earlier today when I asked a new 92 year old man the dreaded question.

‘So sir, as these questions are generic to each patient I have to ask: Do you have any worries about your sexuality?’

To which he replied: ‘Yeah, I don’t get enough of the sex part.’

The look on his wife’s face was priceless.”

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